I know everyone has fears when they are raising children. You have to make sure all their needs are met. You want them to be clothed, fed, safe and happy. You want to make sure they get along with others. But when you are raising an adopted child, you add a whole other layer of issues and worry. I know I will have to tackle issues with Briana that I have not faced myself, and I worry that I might not have all the right answers for her. I hope I make the right decisions for her until she can make decisions on her own. I pray I have a strong enough heart to watch her search for her own answers.
One of my main goals in this life is to do everything in my power to make my daughter happy. And that doesn't mean giving her "things" to make her happy but giving her the right tools to live a happy life. She has a light and a spark within her that shines so brightly. She is outgoing, energetic, extroverted and fearless. And she is a very, very happy kid. But I worry that as she gets older, her light will dim a bit. Life has a way of doing that to you. And it is not just adoption issues that might do that, but life in general. Just navigating your way through this tough and cruel world can be disheartening at times. When I moved from FL to GA as a kid, it shattered my confidence. I don't know why the move shook me so much, but it did. And then as an adult, my infertility issues shattered me some more. I know I have never gotten my spark back completely, and I pray that doesn't happen to Briana. Bri reminds me so much of myself at her age. I had those big bright smiles every single day. That was me. I oozed happiness. And though I do smile and I'm very content in my life now, I know I don't have that "spark" anymore. Behind my smile, I am riddled with insecurity and self doubt. I try so hard to not let Briana to see it. I try so hard not to let anyone see it. Each and every day I think to myself, "Can I do this?", "Am I doing this right?", "Am I Worthy Of Her?"
My bloggy friend Wendy wrote a wonderful post about "Living Up To The Home Study After Adoption." Her post couldn't have come at a better time because I have had a heavy heart lately. Lots on my mind about raising Briana and hoping I can be the best mom I can to her. I made a promise to guard her with my life and to make her happy. I made that promise to a lot of people - including myself. And I worry if I can hack it.
I'm flawed. I'm not extraordinary. I'm fearful. I'm overly emotional. I'm human. I don't have all the answers. I'm not anymore special than anyone else.
Knowing all these things about myself, I wonder at times, "What makes me worthy of her?"
13 Kind Words:
I'm reminded of a line in a Michael Bolton song... "love is a wonderful thing" :) The fact that she has a mommy that loves and advocates for her so deeply & strongly speaks volumes.
By the way, been meaning to put a comment on your blog. We're having an adoptive & foster family night at our church next Friday night. It's open to any metro Atlanta families that would like to attend. Would love to finally meet in person! And feel free to invite others that might want to attend! You can check out the details here: http://www.crosspointechurch.com/missions/page_one27orphancare.htm
Jenn
Here's what I know. And, be forewarned, it's not much. I know that I am most comfortable around people who are flawed. I tend to not want to be friends with people whose lives are so perfect that they can't or won't have compassion for others. You see, it's the stuff that dims our light a little that allows us to be fully human. The only way to make ourselves brighter is to gather with those whose lights have also been dimmed. Then, together, we shine brighter than any one can possibly shine.
Yes, your girl will go through some light dimming stuff. However, this will allow her to become the compassionate, understanding, loving and caring human being that the world needs. We don't get to be these things without challenges. It's the challenges that reveal our character. Bri's character will trump any of the challenges that come her way.
Are you aware that to the rest of the world you have quite a spark? Everyone that I know that knows you talks about your bubbly personality and light up the room smile. Bri is just like you. I totally understand all your worries. I worry about issues with adoption, issues with J and E having a sibling that may embarass them one day. Letting B go to middle school where kids can be so mean. The list goes on and on. You took a leap of faith to go around the world to get your daughter and now you have to share her with the world. You will give her a solid foundation and a home full of love and then she will be able to cope with the big bad world.
Goodness, this post made me think and think hard..you remind me so much of myself! From the outside looking in I think you are a wonderful mum and YES YOU ARE WORTHY!! I know what you mean about the "spark" being missing too. I feel that way. But
I honestly believe that everyone has had something in their lives thats dampened the spark and infertility is what caused ours to dim. I dont know if this has helped Lisa, I hope so! Love Dx
This is a post that surely resonates with me.
Each day we make our way, keep doors open, do our best and hope.
I wrote that FB comment before I'd read your entire post. I thought we'd had some weird mind connection where we were blogging about the same topic! Funny, because I was inspired by my friend, Jennifer, so this all came at a good time for all of us!
You are worthy and "good enough". Any mom who is worrying and wondering if she is good enough, is! All you can do as a parent is give your best to your child with great love. We all screw up. That's ok. Parents aren't perfect, as I said in my post.
Everything about your blog post and the way you speak about Briana says you are worthy!
Ps- I love what 2 kayaks said!
I too struggle with this, so I hear what you are saying. I'm not sure I ever had that spark, but I see it in Emi all the time. And, I worry. Am I doing enough, preparing her enough, for the big bad world. Emi starts kindergarten a year after Bri does, so we are a year and a half away. And I am already worrying.
All that said, please know that even though I rarely comment, you are an inspiration to me. The love for your girl shines through your words. Just as her love for you, shines through her eyes.
I love this post because I think it's a question every Mom asks herself. We sort of fumble our way through parenthood. There are no right answers and the issues only get bigger with the child. I pray my kids will look back as a grown adult and know that I gave my all. Some days it might have been 'good enough', some days might rate as 'much needed improvement' and other days it might be an epic FAIL, but beneath it all...I loved them through this life.
Love your vulnerability. Thank you!
It is so good to reflect on our parenting, always wanting to improve.
You do have "spark" and so does she. I'd like to think that most people do. Your love for Bri radiates!
Be easy on yourself, we are never worthy of the blessing of our children. We are flawed, messy and human. To me, it is all about grace.
Unfortnately, we can never protect our kids from most of the difficult stuff in life. In reality, I don't think we should. It is the difficult seasons that teach us, deepen us, and (to me) remind us that God is in control of our lives and our children. These things make our spark shine a bit brighter.
Take the long view. You are giving your girl a beautiful base of love. Trust that all will be well. Not easy, but well.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I think all of us moms feel this way - I, for one, would like to bubble wrap my children and keep their innocence, unabashed joy and uniqueness from being tarnished by the rest of the world.
B has a mom who ADORES her and yes, you ARE worthy of your precious girl :)
I could think of NO ONE more worthy of her!
To me the fact that you try to put your daughter first and foremost in all your thoughts, tells me that you are worthy to be her mom. And I bet, that if your daughter was asked she would say the same. Being a mom is tough, wonderful and yes at times makes a person doubt themselves. Everytime I look into my beautiful daughters eyes, I know that I am the luckiest mom on the planet....and I am sure you must feel the same.
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