HS Reunion Talk Brings Back Old Uneasy Feelings

(This is a picture of Doug and me on our prom night together taken almost 20 years ago.)

I watched an episode of Glee the other night – the “Never Been Kissed” episode - which really hit on the topic of not fitting in. It is kind of funny this episode aired right now because there has been a lot of high school reunion chatter going on in my FB world lately. Yep, my 20 year high school reunion is coming up next year.

How in the world has it been almost 20 years? I look in the mirror and at times, I honestly cannot believe that I am headed toward 40 and that I am actually a wife and mother. And then there are other times that I look back and realize just how naïve I was in my teens and 20’s and how much I have grown and matured in my 30’s.

I did go to my 10 year high school reunion and had a nice time. But for some reason still, all this 20 year reunion talk is bringing back some old feelings for me. Old feelings of inadequacy. Old feelings of not quite fitting in. Just that old “pit in your stomach” kind of feeling. And that is a big reason why I had tears in my eyes watching that “Glee” episode.

I was not a popular kid in high school, but I can’t really say that I was necessarily unpopular either. I guess I was just average. Kind of invisible. I was one of the “smart kids” - I guess.

When I first moved to Georgia with my parents and sister back in 1987, I walked into the doors of the middle school on my first day and instantaneously felt out of place. I had lived my whole life until then in heavily Latin-influenced Miami, Florida and had just moved to a quiet, more country-flavored suburb of Northwest Georgia. Yes, that made me quite different. I dressed quite differently. I talked quite differently. I thought quite differently. The kids didn’t warm up to me very quickly. And lucky me, I had just entered that lovely “awkward” phase of life too. Heh. You know the one. The one where you are 13 years old and you get kind of chunky. And then you eat more because you are depressed. That phase? Totally didn’t help me at all.

I remember how much I hated living in Georgia at first. I mean HATED it. I was thirteen and all I wanted to do was go back home. Back to the home I grew up in. Back to the place I was comfortable. Back to all my friends that I missed terribly. I was completely miserable.

I attended a junior high school when I lived in Miami. It was just like high school – we ran from class to class all over the school and had lots of freedom. Going to middle school in Georgia was like getting thrown right back into elementary school. I was told I now had to walk in line with my classmates to go to the lunchroom. I really thought I wasn’t going to make it.

Somehow, I got through five very long months of middle school and recuperated over summer vacation. Then I started high school. I liked high school much better, but I definitely didn’t love it. I didn’t have many friends at first. I can say that I had probably about 3 or 4 close friends in ninth grade and tenth grade and that was about it. I tried really hard to make more friends, but for some reason, I kept picking the wrong people to try to be friends with. I got hurt a lot. I just couldn’t seem to get my footing.

My fellow classmates from middle and high school would probably never believe just how confident and outgoing I was before I moved to GA. I co-hosted my elementary school talent show when I was in sixth grade and I was a member of the pep squad in the seventh grade. I had a lot of wonderful friends. I had lots of confidence. I felt like I was on top of the world. And then - I moved away. All the confidence I had – just disappeared. *Poof* I went from being “popular kid” to being “a complete nobody” instantaneously. And I’m sure my fellow elementary and junior high school classmates would probably never believe how quiet and introverted I became after I moved.

I guess I started getting my groove back somewhat in eleventh and twelfth grade. I lost the baby fat. I got a job. I started getting some of my confidence back and it helped me make more friends. I assimilated – learned to dress and talk like everyone else. I figured out how to make my hair extremely big. I even went on a couple of dates, but I didn’t date much in high school at all.

The best thing that happened to me during my high school years was meeting Doug. I actually first met Doug in the ninth grade. He and I had physical science class together. I thought he was nice but also thought he was pretty immature at the time. :D We didn’t have any classes together in 10th or 11th grade, so we lost touch. Then the summer between our junior and senior year, he got a job at the same place I worked at and we became friends again. Then we got a class together senior year too. We started hanging out as friends. I realized I was starting to like him more than a friend. I really needed a date for the senior prom but Doug hadn’t planned on going. I got one of my friends to get him to ask me and the rest is history. I still remember walking into the prom on Doug’s arm (in my size 4 prom dress) and for the first time in years, I felt that “on top of the world” feeling again. It was seriously like one of those “made for TV" moments. I felt like I had finally made it.

All throughout high school, I would look at the cheerleaders, the class officers and the popular kids. I used to wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t moved to Georgia. Would I have been one of the “popular” kids? Would I have been the one on the homecoming court? Could I have been a cheerleader? Who knows. Maybe.

But if I hadn’t moved to Georgia, I wouldn’t have Doug in my life. And I wouldn’t have Briana. And I wouldn’t have the great life that I have. I seriously could never picture myself living in Miami again. Georgia is most definitely my home now.

Maybe the moved humbled me a bit. In the long run, maybe it made me a better person. Maybe I can be a better mother now because of it. Instead of being an automatic “it” girl, I had to strive to make something of myself again. I learned how it felt to not be at the “top.”

I rebounded pretty nicely in my life, though I don’t think my self-esteem ever fully came back completely – which is very hard for me to accept. I still often struggle with feelings of inadequacy. And when I was dealing with all my infertility issues – those feelings of inadequacy came back to the forefront.

And now I have a daughter - a daughter that will have to go through all the tough teen years. I seriously hope my heart is strong enough for it. She exudes so much confidence each and every day. She seems to make friends so easily. I hope and pray that her confidence stays with her for her entire life. But I definitely worry. I am raising an adopted Chinese child. That automatically makes her different from many people. That is why I try to hard to surround her as best I can with children that not only look like her but have similar life stories as her as well. But along with that, I want her to embrace the differences that make her so unique, special and amazing. I know I wish I had embraced my differences much better than I did back then.

Deep down, I know I am a good wife, mom, daughter and friend. And I’m a grown woman. I endured some hardships in the 20 years since I left the walls of that high school – and survived them. But it is funny how nervous I get when I think about walking into a room full of people that I went to high school with 20 years ago. Some people would say, “Why even put yourself through it then?” or “Why do you care?” I don’t know. Maybe I just need to face it. I had lunch recently with one of my very good friends from high school and we talked about going to the reunion together (I went to my 10 year with her too). That would be really nice. Of course, I would have Doug with me too which helps. But it is amazing how grumblings of a 20 year reunion brings back those feelings of an inadequate high school teenager all over again. Totally crazy but true.