I Finally Need To Have MY Say

I read lots of blogs. Mainly adoptive and infertility blogs. Someone can say whatever he/she wants on a blog because well, it's his/her blog. I don't have to agree with a blog author all the time. And frankly, if I don't like what someone has to say repeatedly or once in a while if I find someone has a really hateful post, then I'll just stop reading a blog altogether.

I try not to get controversial on my blog because I like to keep things light. I really don't have the time or energy to deal with mean or ignorant comments. I focus on my relationship with my daughter (through the good times and the difficult times) rather than on any real controversial issues.

Lately, I have found a few blog posts that have made me wince a little, and a few others that have made me quite angry. And sometimes it is not even a blog post that angers me. Many times it is just ignorant and/or nasty comments that follow a blog post.

I am not going to link to any blogs for this post. I am just going to address a few subjects and my thoughts on them.

I read a blog post the other day (from an adult international adoptee perspective) that raising and loving a child that was not birthed from you is not natural. I'm sorry, but I completely, utterly disagree with this statement. I can say that the circumstances that led Briana and I to each other may not have been optimal. We will always wear the scars and bruises from our pasts. But our love for one another - it is COMPLETELY NATURAL. Did we have to learn to love one another? Sure. We were strangers at first. But now, our love is very, very deep and very, very natural. I would give my life up for my daughter. When she hurts, I hurt. I could not love her any more if I had given birth to her. When I found out I was pregnant back in March (sadly I miscarried), do you want to know what I thought? How can I possibly love the child I am carrying as much as I love my Briana? Deep down, I know I would have truly loved that child, but it is a thought that crossed my mind. Briana may not be my blood, but she is my soul.

I watched a music video on U*Tube the other day. It featured a really a beautiful song about infertility. People obviously entrenched in the throws of infertility were commenting on the song. And there were a few people that suggested/commented that those dealing with infertility should maybe consider adoption. A few of the infertile commenters stated that they wanted their "own" children and they didn't want an adopted child to feel like a consolation prize. I felt very sorry for them. They are very narrow-minded. Yes - when I was going through infertility treatments, I was trying to have a biological child to grow my family. But, I never closed my mind to adoption (obviously) as a possibility either. I just tried the biological route first. The route most familiar to me. And let me tell you something right now. Did I have to come to terms with my infertility? Absolutely. I won't lie. But know this - Briana was NEVER my consolation prize. Adoption was just a different path to parenthood. My daughter has filled my heart with so much happiness and joy, I don't feel like I missed out on anything. The only thing I sometimes feel like I "missed out" on was the "newborn phase" of life. And it pains me much, much more that I missed out on Briana's newborn phase of life than just experiencing the newborn phase of life of a child in general.

A few months back, I read a post by an adult international adoptee that did an entire rant on infertility - how adoption is just a "fix" for infertile parents and that adoptive children feel they are "second best" if they are adopted by infertile couples. It bothered me so much that I still think about it today. I'm sure she does not speak for every adopted person.

Now, I try to be open and listen to the voice of adult international adoptees (and domestic adoptees as well). I've learned and now understand that adult adoptees often believe their voices, opinions and experiences are not validated - especially by adoptive parents - because their experiences aren't always positive. It is definitely hard at times (and sometimes a little scary to be honest) to hear what they have to say, but I do listen to them because they have the experience and knowledge of what it is like to grow up as adoptees in transracial households and live as a minorities. This is something I never had to do. I've never walked a mile in their shoes, so I continue to listen to them so that I might know one day how Briana might feel. Hearing their stories are extremely helpful for me.

BUT, this particular adoptee has NEVER walked a mile in MY (infertile) shoes. She even stated that she has not experienced infertility herself. So, why did she address a subject that she has absolutely no experience in? This is something that I would never, ever do. I would never rant about adult international adoptees or their feelings because I have never walked in their shoes. I might disagree with what someone might say, but I would never be hateful. From what I understand of this person's upbringing from her blog, she has siblings that are the biological children of her parents. The impression I got from the adoptee was that her parents are/were not infertile. And she was being admittedly pretty nasty about the subject on her blog too. All I can say is that until you have lived as an infertile person, felt the emptiness and the pain, you have no right to speak on the subject. Her ignorance astounded me. This is one particular blog that I won't be returning to.

And as for Briana, I pray she never feels second best. I will always let her know she is number 1 in my heart. If this person believes that Briana was the "fix" for my infertility, well then maybe she is right. Briana mended my broken heart. And hopefully I mended hers. Was Briana never supposed to grow up with a family? Was she not allowed the right to know the love of a mother and a father? I personally think that is the right of every human being.

I know there are some people out there that wonder why I took Briana away from the country of her birth. As for Briana living in her country, that was probably never going to happen. Briana was in an orphanage accredited for international adoption. She could have possibly ended up in a country other than America if I had not been matched with her, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't going to live her life in China. That was the decision the orphanage and the CCAA made long before I ever came along. So if Briana was chosen to leave the country of her birth, then why not leave with me? Right?

I am...someone that will do everything in her power to help her daughter love the country of her birth. Someone that will be honest with her daughter about her adoption. Someone that will take in to account every single feeling her daughter has - the good and the bad. Someone that will never brush her daughter's feelings aside - validating each and every one. Someone that will cherish the day her daughter was placed in her arms and will commemorate it every single year. Someone that will understand, remember and honor what her daughter lost while also teaching her daughter to focus on all she has gained. Someone that will hold her daughter's hand when she comes across racism because she knows it will happen. Someone that will talk openly to her daughter about her birth parents and foster parents. Someone that will love her daughter unconditionally.

So, now I have addressed a lot of the things that have been bothering me in the blog world lately. I just needed to finally speak up and have MY say. I am not going to address these deep issues again for a while. I like keeping my blog light and happy. I don't want to be all preachy, and I never want to act like I'm some kind of expert in the adoption experience. I've only been an adoptive parent for 3 years. I'm no expert. I am still learning as I go along.

Just remember - never tell me my love for my daughter is not natural. Never tell me I think my daughter is "second best." Never, ever tell me my daughter is not "my own." I love my daughter with every fiber of my being. She is my life, she is my joy and she is my very REAL daughter.