I often struggle with how much I should share on my blog. I don't want to share everything that Briana and I talk about because I really don't want to divulge Briana's private thoughts. But I do want to share something that happened last night - I just won't go into too much detail.
Last night, I was drying Briana off after she took a shower. Totally out of the blue, she said to me in a soft voice, "I miss my China Moms" (meaning her birth mom and foster mom). I was so surprised because it was very unexpected given the moment and the fact that we had been talking about all sorts of regular every day stuff up until then. We talk about adoption every now and then and it is usually when she brings up the subject. But this was the very first time she used the word "miss" when referring to them. I hugged her and told her that it was ok to miss them and that I completely understood that she misses them. We had a conversation about them as I helped her get into her jammies. Sadly, I had to tell her a lot of "I don't knows." I asked her if she wanted to read the lifebook I made for her before bed and she said yes. But she asked me if daddy could read it to her - which he gladly did.
It is so hard to look into my daughter's eyes and tell her "I don't know." But I do try to follow up with information that I do know (what little I know). It was so hard for me to hear her say that she misses her China mothers. Not because I feel threatened in any way, but because I know I can't fix this for her. I can fix a scraped knee or a broken toy. It is a mother's instinct to try to fix things for her children, but this is something I cannot fix. I know this is just the beginning of the questions, statements and feelings that will come from her. I hope I said all the right things to her last night. I hope I will continue to say the right things to her. I know can't take her confusion and sadness away, but what I can be is her sounding board and a shoulder to cry on if and/or when she needs one. I hope my heart is ready for this...
11 Kind Words:
You are doing a fantastic job!!
Oh Lisa! I don't even know how to respond. My heart breaks for Briana because I know one day Emi will start asking questions and like you I will have a lot of, "I don't knows," too.
I struggle with being an adoptive mom daily. Eriks' birth mother would like to see him and for him to meet his biological brothers. Eriks is so not ready for this on so many levels. He's not interested in knowing about his birth mother yet even though I've tried to bring it up. He does know she has at least 1 other child. I'm not ready to divulge that she had 2 more after him. He's not connecting that the one is a brother. The big thing is that I think if he knew she was raising 3 children and not him he'd have a million questions that I wouldn't have all the answers too and he likely wouldn't understand why she has the others but placed him. Knowing my son, he would think she placed him for adoption because she thought there was something wrong with him.
Then there's Emi who is not going to understand why I know Eriks' birth parents and not hers. All the unknowns that she's going to want answers too.
People seriously don't understand how difficult our jobs are. Yes we've been blessed but there's so much more that goes along with it.
When I saw the blog title, I immediately knew what you were talking about. ((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))) to Briana.
You handled it amazingly well.
All I can say is, I believe your doing a wonderful job with beautiful little girl of yours.
Hugs to Briana!
It does hurt. Honestly for me when Lily said something one particular time I did feel a little rejected. I didn't show it but it was a first and it did hurt.
The "don't knows" are painful for me too but then I try and imagine how it feels to be LIly and hear that. So very unfair. Lily talks about her birthparents alot and wants to meet them one day. I always tell her I will do everything I can to aid that reunion.
Briana is so lucky to have such a supportive Mummy.
Thank you for sharing this. I look Moms who are "ahead" of me to learn/gleam from for when the time comes for us. You did great and I hope that I can be there for my D as you were for Briana.
Keep smilin!
Lisa,
I think you handled this wonderfully, openingly, and honestly with Briana. When we allow our children to feel safe sharing their emotions and feelings about their adoptions, they grow up so much more willing to keep those lines of communication open. About all kinds of things. And, having a child who is a young adult now, I cannot tell you how important that is. Hugs to you both.
You are so strong and handled that situation so well. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have that conversation when there is no definite answers that can be given.
I know one day I may have to have it, and I appreciate when you post about it because I learn so much from all of you who are going through moments like this. I hope I can do it as well as you do.
I think you did the right thing, Lisa. I feel sick when I think about the day I have to have that talk with our little one.
You are an amazing mom, Lisa. Amazing. You are so kind, so patient and so loving. The love you have for Bri just shines through your words. You handled this very difficult situation with grace and Bri will know that she can always be free to talk about it with ease. You make things safe for her to talk about. <3
I think you handled it exactly right. And like some of your other comments here... I also learn from those ahead of me. So thanks for sharing.
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