1.5 Years/A Different Kind Of Quiet

On January 30th, 2009, it will be 1.5 years since a scared and tiny little girl was placed in my arms in China. I can't believe how much Briana has grown and blossomed since then. And I also can't believe how much my life has changed in just 1.5 years.

I decided to rock Briana in her room tonight around 9:30PM because she was having a hard time falling asleep. I turned her nightlight on and I placed her sitting on my lap facing me with her arms and legs wrapped around my waist and her head laying on my chest. She would lovingly squeeze me with her hands every so often. As I was rocking her, I started thinking about how different my life was just 1.5 years ago.

I remember the longing for a child like it was yesterday. I don't think it is something that someone ever forgets even though it does fade a little - especially when you yearn for something so desperately. I didn't decorate Briana's nursery until a few months before referral because of my fear that the dream of having a child might not be realized. But I finally did decorate the room, and I remember sitting and rocking in that room by myself. I would look around at the painted walls, baby furniture and the pictures on the wall. Often I'd sit in there at night. I remember the deafening silence. No laughter. No tears. No noise. No baby. Just...quiet. A quiet kind of sadness, I guess.

Then rocking Briana tonight, I really thought about the different kind of quiet that I was experiencing in that moment sitting her room. It wasn't complete silence, but it was still very quiet. I was listening the soft hum of Briana's fan and hearing the sound of her breath. I stroked her hair and patted her back. I once again looked at the painted walls, baby furniture and the pictures on the wall and the feeling was so different. I don't feel sadness in the quiet anymore - I feel at peace. And even in those times when I am really tired and don't feel like rocking in that chair, I still feel that peace. Briana changed the quiet and took my sadness away.

To all those moms still experiencing that quiet kind of sadness, know that I think of you every day and I pray that the quiet changes for you like it did for me...