Feeling A Bit Blue

I had a wonderful Halloween, autumn makes me happy and Briana always keeps me on my toes, but underneath it all, I have been feeling a bit blue.

I think part of my mood may be attributed to the fact that November 13 was supposed to be my due date. It wasn't meant to be. I still have sadness about it. My mom asked me recently how I have been doing (knowing the due date is coming up soon) and that meant a lot to me. November is a tough month for me. It is also the month that I had my first miscarriage a week before Thanksgiving back in 2002.

I've been taking a lot of pictures of autumn all around me. It makes me feel better when I am feeling melancholy. Fall is my favorite time of year and I love all the color. The temperatures make me want to be outside and breathe in the fresh air.

This is the nature area next to my house...


This is a tree in a shopping mall parking lot...


This is a daddy long legs I spotted on the tree in front of my house.



I think I am feeling a bit lost right now. Briana is in school four mornings a week. Next year she will be in kindergarten 5 days a week. At the beginning of this year, I thought that taking care of an infant and learning to be a mom to two kids was in my future, but all of that was derailed. Now I know I am going to be a mom to just one. I am always going to be a full time mom to Briana, but I need to figure out what the next move in my life is now. I spent 6 years completely consumed with starting a family. Trying and failing. Trying and failing. Over and over and over again. Then finally a success. Beautiful Briana came into my life. As soon as she entered my life, I focused 100% on her and on being her mother - which I have done for 3 years. I waited so long for her and I have cherished every second of her. Because having children was so painstakingly difficult for Doug and me, furthering myself in a job or career became second fiddle to my main mission of starting a family. I knew deep in my heart I was meant to be a mother - and now that I am Briana's mommy, I know I was absolutely right. I love being her mother and Briana will always come first no matter what. But as she gets older, she will become more and more independent. She will always be my number 1 priority, but now that I finally know that I am done growing my family, I need to find myself again - somehow. I really liked my job before Briana came along, but I'm not sure I want to go back to that. And in this housing market, I'm not sure that going back to what I did before is plausible anyway. Like I said, I am feeling quite lost and confused right now.

I'm going to enjoy the upcoming holidays and then at the first of the year, I need to figure out what I want to do next. I need to move into the next stage of my life. I just need to figure out how to do it.