My girl is a massive extrovert. To be perfectly honest, she is probably a perfect candidate for a sibling. But deep down in my heart, I feel I can be a much better parent to one child than to more than one. After riding the fertility roller coaster for 10 years, I am very ready to step off of it now. I am very tired and very drained. I'm not sure that my personality is conducive to raising more than one child. My hat goes off to all of you moms that are raising more than one. I truly admire you. I constantly worry and stress about my one child - I cannot imagine splitting that stress amongst more than one child. But it is hard having an only child at times - especially one that constantly seeks attention. Bri is a child that would be happy to have a play date with friends every single day of the week. And I struggle to try to keep a very busy social schedule for her. I think anyone that follows my blog knows I try to keep her quite busy. It is completely exhausting trying to keep my gal active and happy.
Though I live in a "kid friendly" neighborhood, Bri doesn't have anyone on our street to play with. Most of the homes directly surrounding us have no kids in them, and the kids that do live on our street are much older than Bri is. Briana is not old enough yet to go off on her own to find a kid in the neighborhood to hang out with. I'm frustrated because my neighborhood is supposed to be so "kid friendly", yet I often wonder why Briana ends up playing at the neighborhood playground alone 98% of the time. I often wonder where everyone is. And I often second guess if Doug, Bri and I are living in the right place anymore. It is difficult sometimes for me to watch Briana riding her bike in a circle in our driveway all by herself.
I have to register Bri for school on Wednesday, and I worry if I am making the right decision sending her to public school. Right now, I believe it is the right choice for our family. I've heard good things about the elementary school Bri will be attending. But of course, I worry if the school is going to be good enough for her and if the diversity will be diverse enough for her.
I feel guilt about not taking Mandarin class with Bri anymore. I listened to Bri when she asked me not to make her take it anymore. I didn't want her to start hating it, so we quit. But will she resent me later when she doesn't know it well and wishes she did?
I have guilt that I don't have all the answers for her. I want to be able to "fix" everything for her and I know that I can't. She will ask me questions, and I won't have answers to many of them. And she will be asking me some big questions one day. Questions that so many other kids don't have to ask.
How can I stop feeling these immense feelings of stress and guilt? I know that I cannot live my entire life like this. Briana isn't even five years old yet and my stomach is in knots. Rationally, I know I'm human and I know I am doing the very best I can for her. But my emotions usually take over the rational side of me, and my rational thoughts often get completely squashed by the irrational ones.
Ugh. I hate feeling like this.
16 Kind Words:
You a terrific friend and a wonderful mom I wish I was as patient with mine as you are with Bri.
Lisa,
Just from reading your blog and fb posts, I know you are a great mom! We all feel guilt as moms and wonder if we are doing the right thing. The one thing I have learned from my kids is that kids are resilient. They just want to know they are safe and loved. You obviously have done that! Once she hits school, she will have lots of friends to play with all day long. Praying for you!!
Ugh...I left this mile long comment and blogger wouldn't print it.
Email me privately. We will talk!
I hear ya girl.... everyday we have to make decisions surrounding our children and hope that we are doing what is best for them.
You are a great Mommy and you always have your girls best interest at heart. The only thing we can do is take one day at a time and do the best that we can.
Hope you guys are doing well.....OMG, school this year.... I have one more year to go and I know it will be here before I know it.
Sending big hugs to you~
xoxo,
Lisa
School is great for finding friends and playmates. I also grew up on a street where I was too young or too old and I just had my sister, who had absolutely no interest in me, to play with.
Good luck!
As mom's we have to make so many decisions on behalf of our kids. I thing that you have to give yourself some credit for just doing the best you can. Some days are just harder than others. Children need some unscheduled time too. They need to learn to enjoy their own company and how to entertain themselves.
My guilt is often the opposite - I have to work and sometimes I feel bad that I can't stay home with her all the time. On the other hand, I know she gets to play with other kids all day which keeps her entertained. When it comes to the questions, sometimes I say, "let me think about it" to buy myself a bit of time or, "what do you think" often works too.
Hugs,
Julie
I've had exactly the same feelings you have now...we struggled for K and where to go for first grade.
I'd speak to your Superintendent to learn the diversity in the school you plan to send Briana to.
And I also struggle because our neighborhood isn't good at all for Kelsey...zero children! We go to the park by her school and have playdates with her classmates (been doing this since PK4 and it's the perfect solution to the no kid in the neighborhood deal
I think as parents we will always feel guilty about what we feel we are *not* doing, rather than feeling pleased/happy about what we are doing. I also think that the fact these feelings are so strong just now, at this time of year, is because you are still grieving other losses and you need to give yourself the time and permission to do that.
Parenting is the scariest thing I know. Like you I have a fear that if I get it wrong now, I will be harming H & S in the future. But I think we have to keep it all in proportion (*so* much easier said than done!) Whilst we may not be able to give them everything we would like we are still giving them a lot (and I don't mean in material possessions). You are raising your daughter to be socially confident, accepting of others, loving, empathic, kind, responsible and HAPPY. You are giving her so many wonderful gifts which will enable her to thrive in the future.
Be kind to yourself Lisa :)
I, too raised an only child. I felt exactly as you do now. If I had it to do over , I would have stressed less and enjoyed more. You and Doug are amazing parents and briana is a perfect fit ! As I've written before , you seem to have the perfect balance . You do not devote every waking hour to briana's needs! There are blogs I have read that have only children, twins, siblings.... and the parents have no life except revolving around their child/children ! You are definitely a mom, wife, daughter, sister , and friend . You had a life before briana and you continue to enjoy your life after. Please relax , take a deep breath snd just enjoy today!
Lisa, you and Doug are EXEMPLARY parents!
Yikes -- Briana is cared for and loved to over-flowing; as evidenced by each and every pic and video on this blog.
School will help. She will get even more stimulation. And you will get some time to chill.
I agree with all that has been said already. You are an amazing mom and Briana is an amazing Chongqing princess!!! :) I know~ I have one too. I think a lot of their personality is just that~ spicy. :) I think letting them be just that is important and you do that!!! I will say EK has come SO far since we got SJ... having someone here all the time to play with has been amazing~ a lot less work finding someone to come over. :) I think school will be great for Briana!!! Going all day will allow her plenty of friend time and believe me when she gets home, she will be wiped out. :) You are amazing and perfectly chosen for your sweet girl!!! Celebrate and enjoy every single minute. I am thankful you shared so we could all tell you how wonderful we think you are!!! XO
Lisa,
I think all of us moms feel that guilt and stress at one time or another. Since we are only human, we try our best and hope for the best, while always trying to be one step ahead of the game.
School will help in the friends department, and Bri is such a happy and social child that she will thrive in kindergarten!
Give yourself a break (and I mean that in the most respectful, kind way possible!) and take a step back! Continue to enjoy your ray of sunshine! Happy Monday!
I hear ya! The unknown...the guilt...I totally have that too!
I was told by a smart SW, kids do not need perfect parents, they need just good enough. By being aware, we already are ahead of the game and know what we feel are our weaknesses.
Hugs and you are a rocking amazing mom!
Keep smilin!
Lisa-
My heart just breaks for you reading this.
I believe, as Sharon said, that you and your hubs were perfectly chosen for Bri. That means everything about you. Are you an AWESOME mom? YES. Perfect? No. None of us are. You could never make every day perfect or set your daughter up within the perfect life scenario at all times. Imagine the pressure that Bri would be under someday to be perfect and do things perfectly. She needs to see the flaws, the hard parts of life, and have the boring days. These are life lessons that she needs as much as the happy ones.
Bri will love school, and will be surrounded by a roomful of friends. I can imagine that it will be hard. I don't want to diminish that at all, as I know you will grieve for the time she was with you more during the day.
I subscribe to the 80/20 philosophy. 80% of the time, I am the mom that I want to be. I give them healthy food, watch almost no TV, do fun things, teach them, read to them, etc. But the other 20%, I stink. They eat junk food, watch the tube and deal with a less than fabulous mom. The good news? 80% of the time I am on track.
You were not intended to live under such stress or pressure to be perfect. Life is messy, and that can be a beautiful thing too.
Let her get bored within your neighborhood. Her imagination and creativity can bloom under those circumstances. You are fun and loving and you do great things.
You know I am a person of faith, and I just believe that we must release our children over to the One who loves them far more than I could, and has plans for them far better than I have.
Choose joy. I would hate for you to look back on these days and regret the stress and guilt.
Take the long view. Think about what legacy that you most want to leave with Bri. Is it love? Contentment? Kindness? Joy? Gratitude? My guess is that these are the simple, lasting things. Not the school, the neighborhood, or the Mandarin class.
Sorry to ramble on so directly. I just believe these things SO strongly. And you are a beautiful example of motherhood. Your daughter is glowing with happiness.
I think you feel that much guilt because....YOU'RE A GREAT MOM! You love your little girl to death and want what's best for her. But Lisa, YOU'RE what's best for her. You and Doug! You are doing great, and she is obviously happy! As for the "playing with other kids thing", yes, she need social interaction. But I have read your blog for years and you do a lot of that. You do NOT need to occupy her 24 hours a day. Every kids needs to learn how to "be" on their own. They need to use their imagination, to flex their "independence". I know you are worried, but trust me, she is doing GREAT! YOU are doing an amazing job. Please don't feel like you're not. *hugs*
Oh lordy..as a mom of 2 boys 17 and 13 I can tell you that you will make a lot of mistakes and you will do a lot of things right raising your daughter..Trust me mine don't hesitate to POINT out (at the dinner table) everything I did wrong raising them:) BUT at the end of the day I have 2 great kids and I would not change 1 darn thing!! Mommy guilt sits right next to Mommy love when it comes to parenting. You are a WONDERFUL mom and it shows by looking at the smile on your daughters face.
Hugs
Post a Comment