Over the last few weeks (since Christmas really), I have felt internet overloaded. Overly connected when it comes to being online. Bri went back to school and then we had the infamous 2011 snow storm where we were stuck in the house for a week, so I have been on the computer a lot more than usual lately. Way too much blog reading. Way too much F@cebook.
I have been a blogger for over 4 years now (and I wrote a post about it), and it has been wonderful a experience for the most part. When I first dipped my toes into the blogging waters, I came across so many people like myself. I connected with people that had experienced the pain of infertility like I had and I found others that were also on the road to adoption - whether it be domestic or international. I became a part of an amazing group of people and it felt so nice. Right after Bri came home, I had a ready-made cheering section to help me get through the ups and downs of raising a baby for the first time. I fumbled my way through parenthood and listened to the "been there, done that" mom squad. I got tons of great advice and wisdom from people who had been down the path of parenthood before me.
I didn't venture into other areas of the blogosphere at that time. I was in a little shell. My little community. I was really just trying to survive being a first time mom. As time went on, I started getting more comfortable in my skin as a parent and started browsing for more in-depth information on raising my daughter. In doing that, I dipped my toes into waters that were a bit more choppy. For the first time, I was reading articles and blogs about the difficulties of raising adopted children (domestic and international). I was a bit scared at first because what I was reading wasn't always pretty. But the blogs and articles I read were quite insightful, very real and very eye-opening. I needed to face that one day my daughter would one day have tough questions about her adoption and I wanted to learn how to handle them. I read blogs and articles that made me think and stretch my mind. I have learned a lot. I think they made (and continue to make) me a better parent (fingers crossed).
But through those articles and blogs, I then discovered stormier waters and unfortunately dipped my toes into those. I stumbled across blogs that were just down right negative and offensive at times. I was shocked and realized I was pretty naive. Now I understand that everyone has their own truths, experiences and beliefs, but I think there is a way of making a point without being outright mean and spiteful. Without name calling and bad language. And not only was I stumbling across blogs that were like that, I started seeing nasty comments written on people's blogs as well - on posts that were not being written with any malicious intent, yet they were receiving negative attack-like responses anyway. Back in the summer, I wrote a post that stirred up a little controversy. I worried the minute I hit the publish button that I could possibly ruffle a few feathers. I had a few negative commenters that had never commented on my blog before, and I am still not sure how they stumbled across my little neck of the woods. After I wrote that post, I realized I didn't want to dip my toes in those waters again (even though I firmly stand by what I said).
I do not like controversy. I don't like fighting. I am way too sensitive. I take way too much to heart. I'm sure this is one of the reasons that I never had any desire to be a politician. I often wonder how politicians deal with hatred being spewed at them day in and day out. And the same goes for people in the entertainment business. Actors and actresses are judged on a daily basis. For example, I like to read the People magazine website (I know - mindless yet entertaining). When I scroll down to the comments section of an article, people say whatever they want - there are no filters. So many people are down right vicious with personal attacks. I just don't understand what kind of jollies people get from making comments that are so cruel. What is wrong with people?
So obviously, negative attacks don't only exist in the world of adoption. In the age of the internet, people feel that they can say whatever they want - whether anonymously or not - because they are hidden behind a computer screen. On one hand, the internet is a wonderful tool. Easy access to tons of resources right at everyone's fingertips. Messages and opinions can be broadcast openly and easily. People can connect with others in which they have things in common. But on the other hand, the internet is a very cruel place. It seems that manners, maturity, respect and kindness don't have to exist anymore. Just create a screen name and let er rip. It is really quite sad.
I have had my feelings hurt a number of times reading mean-spirited posts written by people that I have never met - posts regarding adoptive parents and infertile people. I have seriously wanted to put my fist through the computer screen at times. It is so ridiculous that I allow myself to affected by strangers like this, but they do honestly affect me. I know I am a good person, so why do I allow some stupid stranger make me feel defensive or less than a good person. I understand that there is always two sides of an issue, but throwing stones honestly isn't going to make me listen to anything you have to say. In fact, it will make me do the complete opposite. I will stop listening and walk away. I am all for polite debate but name calling and mean-spirited remarks aren't gonna get you anywhere with me.
I have worried that if I stop reading about adoption issues and stop stepping outside my comfort zone, that maybe I am doing a disservice to my daughter. But you know what? I am changing my mind right now. I have to step back and just stop. I've read and absorbed a lot of information over the last couple of years. But I cannot continue to follow the debates, listen to the mudslinging and bickering or soak up anymore misery. It makes my head hurt. I think that if I keep this up, I am going to over analyze, over think and over worry about every step I take and decision I make regarding my daughter. It is ridiculous. At the end of the day, what really matters is what my daughter thinks and feels - not anyone else. So, all I can do is take what I have learned and stay in tune with her. I will keep my ears and my heart open to her. She can give it to me - the good and the bad.
In my real, day-to-day life, I am surrounded by supportive and kind people. It is when I go online that I feel the bitterness. I'm overloaded by it. Meanness is everywhere. Not just in adoption-land. So I think I am going to leave the choppy and stormy blogging waters now and go back to still, kinder waters. I will continue to write on my blog and read the blogs that I have enjoyed over the years. I may slow down a bit though. I will continue to follow people that are supportive and are not mean spirited. I'm not going to stretch my mind anymore because I'm stretched to capacity now. And I am also going to stop reading the comments on the People magazine website. :D I know I can't escape from negativity. It's a part of life. Negativity does exist and there is no hiding from it completely. But I can control what I expose myself to online and from this moment on, I will.
9 Kind Words:
Lisa, I hear exactly what you are saying. I don't know if you have ever visited my blog, but at one time I was a *very* active blogger. The summer before last I got smacked, hard, by a group of very nasty people. It hurt. It shouldn't have, my opinion about what was going on with my daughter at the time was my opinion, but it still hurt. I took a gigantic step back from blogging. Bigger than gigantic. Every now and then I will post something there, but I still hesitate to hit publish. I am mad that that group of people took my joy of blogging away. But I just can't gather any enthusiasm for the daily, or almost daily blogging.
I have also stopped reading the various blogs. I flat out REFUSE to apologize or feel bad that I adopted my daughter. I am sick and tired of certain groups that seem to make it their mission in life to make me (and AP's like me) try to feel that way. Like you, I hope I have learned enough to at least not to completely screw up Emi. The rest, I will have to cross my fingers and jump ... hoping that she will understand I did my best. And really, that's what ALL parents do (or at least I hope most parents do). Their best.
I don't have any helpful words, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
Lisa, I know exactly what you mean. Like you, I am very sensitive to what others say, even though I feel like I'm a grounded and solid person inside. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" was SOOOOOOO wrong! Words can and DO hurt. And like you, I am continually astonished and blown-away by the LACK OF people controlling their tongues. I also like a 'friendly' and open debate, but when it starts getting nasty and vulgar ...ummmh, NO thanks!! Sadly, we live in a self-righteous age where 'freedom of speech' is all too often interpretted as 'diarrhea of the mouth' ...there are NO filters, and people seem to say/do anything without the regard of others. Sometimes even well-meaning friends or fellow-Christians. Those always hit me the hardest. Clearly they've forgotten that the Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:29 ~ "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (NIV) It is one thing to educate yourself, but at the same time, we need to "take some and leave some" and prayerfully apply only what is needed in our individual situations. There are extremely opinionated people out there, and too many who speak out negatively, without actual experience themselves... which makes them simply judgemental. So I say "GOOD FOR YOU!" for taking a step back and just letting God light your path in parenthood. You have to trust your instincts, and you're clearly not ignorant. It sounds like 'wisdom' to me!! Afterall, the Word also says in Matthew 7:6 ~ "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." (NIV) The Bible is filled with so much wisdom, and that is all we really need to guide us in the end.
Briana is blessed to have you as her mama, and you are blessed to have her as your daughter! You will be missed, but I will be still be checking in when you're around. I've already stepped back big-time from blogging. Some days I miss it a lot, but overall, my family always needs to come first! God bless you, friend! <><
Hugs,
Tanya
I think you are absolutely right. Like you I feel a responsibility to inform myself of issues which may (not will, but may) affect my daughters as they grow up. I want, more than anything, for them to be happy and healthy and at peace with the reasons they were adopted. I will not have all the answers for them, nor should I try to have. Some questions can not be answered and all I can do is hope they will know they can always come to me, whether in hurt, anger or sadness. I will always be there for them. However that does not mean I need to embrace the pain, anger or vitriol of others whether or not they are members of the adoption triad. I know several adults who were adopted and none of them feel anger at their parents (birth or adoptive) so I do not necessarily believe that those who choose to go online are representative of adopted children/adults.
Always remember that you are a great mother and Doug is a great Daddy. Briana has a family because of international adoption. Without it she would have had a very poor chance in life and she would certainly never have reached her potential. Every child deserves that chance. You did not create a demand for international adoption, you did not create the deprivation in the orphanage system in China, nor the One Child Policy which has led to the abandonment of so many baby girls. Briana, and the countless thousands who wait, deserve family and all that brings them. I will never feel the need to apologise to anyone for adopting my children. Ever.
Hey Lisa,
I'll just repeat what I wrote on your FB wall.
I raised my older daughter to adulthood without having any internet resources whatsoever. No support groups, no Facebook, no blogs. She turned out just fine. Until recently, I had no idea there were anti-adoption folks out there, and I've been an adoptive parent for over 18 years.
There is no reason on earth I can think of for reading those vitriolic blogs by people who unfortunately had bad experiences in life and feel the need to hurt others in return. You can't argue with them; you can't reason with them; you will NEVER get them to see your point of view. They are not worth your precious time, and you will never be edified as a parent by reading anything they have to say. They certainly are not going to help you raise your daughter, though I completely understand why you were open minded enough to at least want to listen to other points of view.
My best advice as a parent of an older adoptee is to inform yourself. Yes. But go with your gut as a mom. Your insticts about how to raise your daughter will carry you further than you think.
And surround yourself with people who will SUPPORT you and your daughter in your journey not tear you down.
Well said again Lisa. I think we all would do better focusing on the positive. News and information is so easily attained in this day and age - it is easy to become overwhelmed and disheartened.
Love, Amy B.
Oh Lisa, I do know how you feel. I have also really limited my time on-line, cruising different blogs. I do find it so hard to believe how easy it is for some people to say and write such toxic words. As a public school teacher, I often read and hear horrible things that people say about teachers and the teaching profession. I am appalled that people think that way. Honestly, it hurts. However, as much as it hurts me, when someone says or writes something scathing about China adoption, I do get very angry.
As a mom, I do try to keep their lives as positive as possible, lots of love and laughter in our home. I know that both girls will experience some difficult times ahead, but we will teach them how to handle those difficult times (honestly, we have already had some talks). It really does hurt me that some people automatically don't like my girls just because they are Chinese. So sad, but this is the world we live in today. I can only hope that things change in the future. In the mean time, I do things similar to what you are now doing, limiting my time on-line and avoiding many sites.
Hugs to you my friend. I would love to get together some day in the future, all of us, and our girls. What a wonderful and joyous meeting that will me.
I sent you an email about this yesterday. Hope I had your correct email address.
Well said and I really agree with what you wrote. I am a hopeful future adoptive parent so it's not quite as intense for me as for those directly involved. That said, I have seen a number of mean-spirited comments and blog posts out there and I've come to the realization that I just want nothing to do with it. I got into an e-mail "dialogue" with someone who you probably are aware of and while I did learn a bit from it, I came away feeling like this person was completely unreceptive to what I had to say. I tried to keep an open mind even when their words were hurtful and offensive, but over time it became apparent to me that this individual was coming from a place of immaturity and spitefulness. There have been several times when I've been on a blog and disagreed with what the person said, but I choose to simply not read that blog anymore rather than make a rude comment. While I'm not a very frequent commenter, I do follow a number of blogs. Some are of people I know in face-to-face life, but most are those I've gotten to know a little through the internet and have come to respect and enjoy learning from. The vast majority in the international adoption community seem to be truly good people, but there are always those that stir up negativity. While I do seek to learn from and understand the perspectives of those with differing points of view, when it devolves into deliberately hurtful words being exchanged, I choose not to engage. Like many, I had to learn that the hard way. You are so right that negativity is a part of life and you can't hide from it, but we have some power to control what we expose ourselves to on the internet and when to walk/click away from blogs or articles that are not ultimately going to serve to foster increased understanding or provide any other real purpose but to hurt or offend.
On a happier note, I really enjoy reading your blog! You seem very introspective and have a lot of insight. I try to do the same and hopefully will continue to do so when I'm a parent.
I'm similar to you. Like the calm waters and not the controversy. I stay far away from that and learn what I can in calmer waters.
Hope you're able to enjoy the sweet people who share similar stories and personalities to yourself. It's not worth the hurt to venture to the other place.
Some may call me naive but I'll learn what I can for my daughter in kinder places. I belong to a yahoo group that seems to like controversy too and there are days when I don't read a single entry. Other days, it's very informative.
Happy to call you friend and share our experiences with one another.
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