My Little Girl's Fear

Briana and I are very, very close. She is crazy about her daddy, but she is very much a mama's girl. We must tell each other "I love you" 50 times a day. I spend lots and lots and lots of time with her. I'm lucky that I get to be a stay at home mom. I'm lucky I get to be her mom.

I wake her every morning. I put her to bed every night. There are only a handful of times that I have not tucked her into bed myself. She has spent only one night away from me, with Gramma, in the 2.5 years she has been our daughter.

And even though I make sure my baby girl knows that I will always be there, there are those moments, like tonight, that I know deep down my baby girl still feels some fear...

Briana was acting up tonight. She has had a cold all week, and she and I are both tired and just about over it now. I gave her a bath in my large master tub last night for fun, but tonight, I told her she had to take a bath in her room. She wasn't happy about it. She whined and complained. I told her several times to go to her room to get undressed and she refused. She stood like a statue in the hallway. I finally picked her up and put her on her bed for a time out. I was angry and I definitely raised my voice louder than I should have. She started to cry, but that is not unusual for Briana because she is pretty sensitive - and she has been sick. She cried getting undressed. She cried when I put her in the tub. I walked away for a few minutes and Doug tried to get her to stop crying as she sat in the tub. But she wouldn't stop crying tonight. I went back into the bathroom to talk to her and ask her why I got angry with her. Her crying started to escalate and she would not answer me. She got to the point that she could not breathe. She was almost to the point of being hysterical. I knew something was really wrong. I took her out of the tub, wrapped her in a towel, cradled her like a baby and rocked her in my arms. She finally started calming down when I did that.

This type of crying has happened maybe two or three times before. The type where Briana gets so upset that she almost hyperventilates. I know this episode was definitely more than just Briana being upset about not getting her way tonight. It was much deeper than that.

As Doug and I were helping her get in her jammies, I started asking her why she was so unbelievably upset. I decided to ask her if she was worried that something bad might happen if mommy got angry with her. I asked her if she was worried that I would leave her if I got angry. Her eyes filled up with tears again and her lips started to quiver. She put her arms tightly around my neck and quietly said "yes." I almost burst into tears myself. I held her tight and told her that mommy would never ever EVER leave her. I told her no matter what she did - if mommy sometimes got angry at something she did that mommy would never leave her - ever. I told her that I would be with her forever - that I was her mommy forever and she was my best girl. Doug gave her lots of hugs and reassured her tonight as well. She climbed into bed, Doug gave her a kiss and a big hug and left the room, and I turned off her light (left her nightlight on) and sat on her bed with her for a few minutes. I told her to look into my eyes. I again stated that we would always be together no matter what. She grabbed me around my neck again and hugged me so tight. I must have given her a thousand kisses before I left her room.

She has been with us 2.5 years. After all the hugs, kisses and "I love you's", after all the time spent with her, after the cuddles, the tickles and the cradling - my girl still has a fear. A fear buried deep down inside that mommy and daddy might leave her. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. All I can do is reassure her over and over and over again that we are here for good. No matter what. And I don't mind doing it for her because she is my best girl and I love her more than words could ever express.