RIP To My "Big Sister"

I haven't blogged in about two weeks. I've been super busy and I have so much to catch up on in my blog. But, I have to pause a moment first and speak about my amazing friend Carole.

I received the worst news possible on Wednesday morning. I found out that my friend Carole passed away suddenly in her sleep during the night. She was one of my best friends, and I had known her for over 15 years. We met through work, and even though we didn't stay working together, we remained close friends. 

I feel like a part of my heart has been ripped out.

I still sit here in absolute shock. Carole was a rock in my life. She was a calm presence and seemed like she could handle anything. She never got riled - and I always admired that about her. Whenever I got into a tizzy (which happens quite often), she would tell me to "just breathe" and I would - because she told me to. She always checked in with me - and I would with her - even if it was a couple lined text. If I complained about something on FB, she would private message me asking what was up. She genuinely cared - and in this life, that is hard to find sometimes.

So to have her leave this world so abruptly is quite confusing to me, and I am sure it is to everyone else.

She was an amazing wife, mother, grandmother and daughter. She was fiercely dedicated to her family. And once she was your friend, she was your friend for life.

I remember the first time I ever spoke with Carole. She called me because I had submitted my resume for a position with Coldwell Banker. It was late in the afternoon. She said she got my resume and she wanted me to come in for an interview. For those that know me, I kind of have a (possibly overly) bubbly personality at times. I exhibited that bubbliness on the phone by saying excitedly "Thank you so much!" and some other things in a high, excitable, perky tone. She said to me in a calm voice, "Are you always this perky late in the day?" I told her I guessed so and giggled. I didn't know if she liked it or wanted to punch me in the face. Probably both. Heh. We both laughed about that moment over the years.

She was also a wonderful employee. I know it might sound weird for me to mention that now, but she was one of the most dependable workers I ever met. If something needed to be managed, she did it. No complaining - she just did it. I was so sad after several years of her and I working together and she left the company we both worked for. But lucky me, she moved down the street and we could still take our lunch break together.

She took that same attitude into her personal life was well. She took charged of what needed to be done or if someone needed her, she made it happen. That's just how she rolled.

She listened to so many of my ups and downs over the years. She was a big confidant during my infertility journey, and she was one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders when Briana came into my life. She truly loved Briana - and I love her so much for that.

We had "catch up" lunches because as you know, life gets busy and we didn't always get to see each other as much as we would have liked. But we both cherished those lunches. I caught up with everything with her and her everything with me. It was "our" time. And sometimes her son and Briana were invited to be a part of those lunches. Special invitees only. Heh.

We also took several trips to Chattanooga together (you can see them in my sidebar), the most recent one this past December. When I go back to Chattanooga, I know she will be with me in spirit, even though I rather have her with me in person.

She was at Bri's baptism and first communion. She was at my baby shower. She was at my 40th birthday party. She came to my dad's hospital room to visit when he was sick several years ago. She always told me, "We are family." And she said she was like my big sister - and I felt that way too. She looked out for me. Gave me advice when I needed it. Sent me e-mails to make me giggle. I am going to miss all of that so very much.

I looked around my house the other day and realized how many gifts she gave me over the years that I have displayed all around my house. She even gave me her son's old blow up water slide last summer so Briana could enjoy it. There are sprinkled little reminders of her all over. It's very comforting.

The night/early morning that she passed, something unexplainable happened to me. I didn't understand it at the time, but when I found out what happened to her, I started piecing things together. You may not believe it, but I do...

About 4AM Wednesday morning, I woke up not feeling well. I was having some issues breathing - I couldn't seem to get a deep breath of air. I had been having issues with my breathing for a few days. I couldn't figure out if it was reflux, asthma, allergies, anxiety, etc. That morning I woke up with the same symptoms. I paced around the room for a while as Doug slept. I laid back down and I couldn't get comfortable. I turned on my side and all of a sudden, I felt this warm, tingly sensation all over my body. I even thought to myself "Wow, I feel like someone is hugging me." It felt so nice and calming. I even smiled. I thought to myself, "Could this be my grandmother? My grandfather? My other grandmother?" About a minute later, I heard the doorknob rattle to my bedroom. I stopped and thought, "Did I hear that right? Could it be Bri coming in my room?" I thought maybe I was just hearing things and closed my eyes. It then happened again - louder this time, and I expected Bri to walk into the room. I sat straight up, jumped out of bed and ran to the door to greet her. I expected to see Bri standing there when I whipped opened the door. But there was nothing. It was silent. I looked down the hall at Bri's bedroom and her door was closed. I thought about how strange that was, but I shrugged it off and laid back down. And at that moment, I was breathing easier and fell back to sleep.

At 9AM the next morning, Carole's daughter called and told me that her mom passed during the night. I started to cry even harder than I already had been. My mind went to that very moment. I think it was her. I think it was her saying goodbye to me.

There are not enough words or tears to express what she meant to me. I feel pretty lost right now because something really bad has happened and she isn't able to check in on me. I told her family that she is probably a bit ticked off right now because she isn't here to help us get through this. Because she was the "fixer" and "helper." Someone posted on Carole's Facebook wall that she was "the glue" in our lives. I couldn't have said it better.

I am blessed that I was able to know her. I'm a better person for it. She is now with her dad and her brother. She missed her brother so much when he passed two years ago. I hope they are finally reunited.

I will miss our lunches. I will miss our craft show adventures. I will her championing that Thanksgiving should not be overshadowed by Christmas. I will miss her patriotism. I will miss our trips to Chattanooga. I will miss her e-mails and texts. I will miss her voice. I will just miss her.

Life won't be the same without her.