Really Bad Day

Yep - this was me yesterday. I was distraught. The whole entire day. I just woke up feeling down. I think I am just tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of worrying. Tired of wondering. Tired of second guessing myself. Tired of being scared. Tired of being tired.

Doug and I have struggled so much trying to start a family that I am often prone to looking at the glass half empty (which I am really trying to change). I have the dreaded "What if something goes wrong?" syndrome. I am so excited for my referral. Beyond excited. My dream will come true that day. Of course, I am worried too. What if I am accidentally skipped? (Which is completely irrational). Will my baby be healthy? Will she be a she? I have so many things swirling in my head, sometimes I think it is going to explode.

I have been so stressed lately that I haven't felt well. I had a problem with acid reflux years ago and now I feel it is coming back. I went to the doctor today to get some meds. I am a stress eater too, and I have gained several pounds which I am now beating myself up over.

It has been very hard adjusting to not having a job. It was a huge part of who I was for seven years. I thought I would definitely have a referral in April or May, that is why I left my job when I did. Now I am looking at a June referral instead with travel probably in August. Very hot August. The months seem even longer now. And how should I fill my days? I know I should be shopping for my trip for China. Again, the fear sets in. I can't seem to bring myself to buy diapers, formula or baby medications. I mean, "What if something goes wrong?" Right?

And when I learned that I would almost definitely be getting a referral in early June, I e-mailed my pediatrician last week letting him know the news. (He has been waiting patiently for me to get a referral for over a year now.) Sunday afternoon, he e-mailed me back letting me know he was going on vacation the first week in June. Yep - right when I should be getting my referral. He assured me that he had someone else in the practice that could fill in while he was gone (that had the same experience looking at referral records), but it still hit me very wrong. Choosing a pediatrician was the one thing I had control over, when I had no control over anything else. So, it really knocked me for a loop. My doctor has every right to go on vacation. It is summer for Pete's sake.

Yesterday, there I was sitting on the couch. I had missed "Grey's Anatomy" on Thursday, so I decided to watch it. One of the story lines was about a surrogacy. In one of the scenes, an adoptive mother said to the doctor, "I just want a baby so badly." That's me. I just want a baby so badly. Not a good show to watch when you are down in the dumps. I started to cry. I cried and cried until my body hurt. It was one of those uncontrollable cries that would come and go the entire day. Poor Doug came home after work and didn't know what to do. There was nothing to do. I just needed to cry. After I cried myself out, Doug ordered a pizza for dinner and then we watched American Idol. I always feel better after American Idol.

I went to sleep and woke up this morning. I felt better. Nothing really changed, but I just felt better. I guess every one has a day like that once in a while. I am sure I will have another bad day in my future, and when I do, then the next day I will pick myself up and dust myself off again.

I am so looking forward to seeing my baby's beautiful little face in a few weeks. I can hang on - I am almost there.