Briana and I went to get a sandwich from Subw@y for lunch yesterday. We were the only customers in the restaurant, except for one man quietly eating his lunch in the corner.
Briana had a small tear fest in the car because she did something she wasn't supposed to do, but once we got out of the car, she was fine. She had a few tears in her eyes as we walked to the counter for our food. I was holding her. The man behind the counter was very friendly. Had a big smile on his face. He kept saying how cute Briana was and asked how she was doing. I told him she was having a little bit of an off day, but she was doing just fine. Then he asked how old she was. I said almost 4. He starts asking our sandwich orders.
Then he hits me with the question that stunned me. "So, is she your biological daughter?" Wow. I'm sure he would never have asked that question to another person that happened to have their child with them ordering lunch. At least a child of the same race. I think he asked the way he did because Briana actually does look very much like me. If I had an Asian husband, people might assume she was my biological daughter. I was shocked at his directness. I said, "No, she is adopted from China." Then he asked me if I had any other kids. Was this freakin' 20 questions? I said "No." He goes on to say how wonderful it is and proceeds to tell me that he knows there is no difference between loving a biological child and an adopted one. He only has one biological child, but he knows there is no difference. It's just so, so, so wonderful.
Um, why was he even saying any of this to me? I'm the one that has parented an adopted child for almost three years. I know there is no difference. He doesn't have to tell me any of this. He was almost beginning to ramble. I told him it absolutely makes no difference and she is my heart walking outside my body.
Since we were now new BFF's, he began to share with me that his mother was diagnosed with Lupus when he was 15 and he had to raise his little brother.
After our Dr. Phil moment, I paid him my money, he told me to have a wonderful day (with still a big smile on his face) and I sat down with Briana at the table. Briana obviously heard everything that was said, but she never said anything to me. She didn't seem affected by it at all. She's pretty young still, so I don't think she even realized how inappropriate that man was being.
I sat at the table shaken. I tried to be cool, but deep down, I knew I probably should have put my b!tchy hat on and told him it was none of his business. I was trying to be calm in front of Briana.
I don't want Briana to feel that being adopted is something that I want to hide from other people or that it is a negative thing. I obviously can't avoid that people will know she is adopted by the fact she is Asian and I am not. But I also don't want to share personal details of my life and/or her life with someone I have never met. I shouldn't even be asked that question because it is really none of anyone's business. I know that is too much to expect though. People are nosy. Very, very nosy. Especially the guy at Subw@y.
So, I know some of you will think I shared too much. Some might think that I handled it as best as I could. I just don't know. I could have asked Briana if it was ok to share her information, but she would never had answered me. She would have just shrugged her shoulders. She is still so young and I know her too well. I could have also asked him why he was asking me. I think I am feeling so uncomfortable about what happened because Briana is starting to understand and process things. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable by me not handling a situation correctly. Being asked the question in the first place is uncomfortable enough. I can't control what anyone else does, but I can control what I do.
I'd love to know how to not be so surprised when it does happen. I KNOW it will happen again. While we were in Hilton Head, Doug was in the elevator with Briana (I wasn't there), a couple asked the infamous "Where is she from?" question to him. Those people ended up having twin nieces from China, but people ask questions even when they have no connection to China or adoption.
I am opening up a big can of worms here, but here it goes...
How would you have handled it?
11 Kind Words:
My never fail response to nosy questions is "why would you like to know?" - they usually don't answer and I smile and walk away.
I think you did fine. Bri is your benchmark. As long as she is fine, you are fine. When she is bothered, you will know where to draw your line in the sand. People are always inappropriate. This is a subject that is sensitive for you, so you notice it more. I have had people feel that it is ok to touch my big prego belly (hated that) or to ask personal questions about being pregnant. I have had people try to touch my teeny, tiny, new baby (really hate that) or want to pick up my baby (crazy!) or think that I want to talk to them about Autism and when Ben was diagnosed etc.....It is always going to be something and the guy in Subway was probably trying to be friendly and had no idea that he made you uncomfortable. There are mean people out there, try to save your bitchy hat for them :) You are a great mom and you don't need to second guess yourself.
Lisa, I'm with you...I get barraged when I leave the house - no kidding. And it's very unsettling. Quint is beginning to understand things more and more...makes me very worried about how insensitive people are. But more so, because my reaction is always delayed. I walk away wishing I had said this or that...and instead in the moment it's always "uh....yes...no...China...Ethiopia...(insert dumb stare here)" I hate it!
I'm just as uncertain as you are, if it helps to know you're not alone in how you feel.
Ugh.
First off I'd say that we can have a million ways of thinking how we would plan to react, but in the moment can be very different.
For what it is worth I don't think you handled it badly at all. I had something similar recently when a parent from school asked where Hannah was from and when H said 'Scotland' (which made me laugh) the woman was all 'oh I thought, oh, I mean her hair is so dark' which is code here for 'I don't think she is white. Is she Romani?' lol. We've had questions that are well meaning if a bit irrititating, down to the clearly racist. I do want to model for Hannah there is nothing to be ashamed of, but also that she doesn't have to open up about stuff; though that is more in the future.
Honestly for me it depends on the sense I get from the person asking - rude, racist people (and I've had them) get nothing from me, no mention of adoption etc. People who appear nicer, just curious etc I am happy to say Hannah is adopted. 'Is she yours?' questions I find very inappropriate, and just say 'yes'. Like you I worry about how it will be as she gets older; I don't want her to feel she is on show and tell!
I think it's something you'll get lots of practice at, and Briana as well when she's older :-(
I'm adopted from Korea and still have strangers asking me where I'm from. And when it came up that I was adopted then the other barrage of questions (do I know my parents, how old was I, do I miss them, do I speak the language, bla bla bla) would come out too.
Total strangers ask people who are a bit "different" the most intimate questions. Unfortunately I never learned to deal with it appropriately so always felt I had to be polite and answer.
Hopefully some others here can give you some polite but "back off" responses so you have those ready for next time. I guess people asking questions isn't necessarily bad, as long as you and Briana feel comfortable with those people and want to answer.
I recently wrote 2 articles on this very topic: one aimed at the nosey people, and one for APs. I'm including the links below. I think some people are just curious, some just trying to make conversation, some have some adoption connection and looking for a way to talk about it, and some are rude. Motivation is a big piece of this. I like Julie's response "why would you like to know?" I'll admit that our first year or so home, I was a bit more defensive. But I've learned to consider the person, their tone, their motivation - and go from there.
Jenn
http://www.examiner.com/x-40712-Atlanta-Adoptive-Families-Examiner~y2010m5d4-Adoption-101-What-to-say-and-what-NOT-to-say-to-adoptive-families
http://www.examiner.com/x-40712-Atlanta-Adoptive-Families-Examiner~y2010m5d7-Adoption-101-Managing-rude-misinformed-or-outofline-adoption-questions-and-comments
I have been asked many times and it sort of depends on who and how they ask. If someone asks if Maisie is adopted I usually just smile and say Maisie was born in China (which Maisie loves to tell people) and that's all, nothing about being adopted or biological. When people ask where she's from, very often I just say we live in Marietta or Georgia and leave it there because after that response they either drop it or they volunteer that they/a family member/friend has a child from xzy country. And they sort of realize that they should have approached me differently and then the conversation can begin again. Lately though, especially in the Asian market and Asian restaurants I've been asked if her dad is Chinese because they see me in her face...funny!
When confronted with these types of questions I feel I answer very defensively. I don't think that's right but don't know what is exactly "right" right now. If you know what I mean. It will only be compounded once Eyasu comes home because he's older with a completely different story.
I think you handled it well. And I must add, I'm glad the man said biological and not "real" because that one drives me insane!
I look forward to reading everyone's response.
Jack, Jenn and William said,
"I think some people are just curious, some just trying to make conversation, some have some adoption connection and looking for a way to talk about it, and some are rude. Motivation is a big piece of this. I like Julie's response "why would you like to know?" I've learned to consider the person, their tone, their motivation - and go from there."
I really like what she said. I guess that I am taking this from a different point of view. We have been home with Liliana for almost 4 years now. We have received a ton of questions about her past, adoption, "real daughter," where she was born, etc. Yes, some of the questions are infringing on our privacy, so I skirt the issue, but I find that most people ask because they are curious.
I will say that before we adopted, I was that curious person. I did not see many families who had adopted chidren, so when I did, they piqued my interest. DH and I had discussed international adoption, but had not yet looked into it seriously. One day we happened to be on a plane with a mom who had adopted 2 girls from China. I am so thankful that she was open to our questions and answered them openly and honestly. She did not seem irritated by us and was proud of being an adoptive family. I will point out that we did not tell her that we were considering adoption, we just enjoyed a nice conversation. For us, it was much easier talking with an adoptive parent, the BTDT person to have answer our questions rather than ask an agency directly. My inital thoughts were that it seemed less intimidating.
That meeting with the lady and her daughters definitely helped solidify in our minds that we really did want to adopt from China. This lady made a difference in our lives because she was open and willing to talk with us. I do not know what would have happened if our interaction with her would have been negative. If she would have thought that we were being nosey or defensive, I think that it would have left us with a negative taste in our mouths.
Keep in mind that now that we are adoptive parents we know the "right" way to ask questions and strike up conversations (at least I think so... I could probably use some work I am sure). But for a person who has never adopted and has not been around the adotion community, who does not know all the "right" terminology, the "right" way of saying things, the appropriate questions and answers are not known. Yes, there are some people who are malicious in their throughts and statements, but I do believe that most are curious, and honestly, a little ignorant. We have the opportunity to leave people feeling good about adotion and how positively it affects families.
I know, we did not decide to adopt with the intention of educating the public. Most of us just did so to build or grow our family. However, differences pique people's curiousity, I know this first-hand. If you are uncomfortable with the questions that people have, then I suggest saying, "why would you like to know?" Like was suggested above.
BTW, I do think that you handled the situation nicely. Thank you for opening up a nice conversation.
You handled it perfectly. It's all in the intent - and this guy - while a bit nosy, was innocent enough. (And like someone here mentioned - Briana is your benchmark.)
But, it's a loaded topic and a few good responses in your pocket - well rehearsed, will ease the stress in the future.
One I get a lot now is "are they real sisters?". If the person is saying it discreetly and with a kind and interested look on their face - I answer honestly but if they are borrish about it, I answer "they are now!!" and give a big ol fake smile and dismiss them. Same answer if I get the real doozer - you know the one - "is she your 'real' daughter?". That always gets a terse "she is now!!"
sigh.....it's part of the package, I guess.
Hugs.
Dear Lisa,
Sorry to be jumping in on this conversation so late. I think you handled the situation well, but I would avoid that Subway in the future. That man sounds lonely and lacks social inhibitions. Why did he think you wanted to know about his family's troubles? You were there for a sandwich! "Why do you want to know" is a good way to handle the situation. The correct answer to "is she your real daughter" is a resounding "yes"-it takes more than genetics to make a family.
Randi-Just tell those hamfisted idiots that the doctor said she didn't want you letting strangers touch the baby. If that doesn't work, yell "take your hands off my child!" at the top of your lungs. Forget about manners; you need to protect your baby.
Love,
Cheryl
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