What Does My Future Hold? (A Bit Of Reflection)

I've been doing some reflecting lately. Maybe it is because I am turning 40 soon. I think I am trying to figure out "what's next" for me. What I will do over the next decade? I spent my twenties working outside the home for a living and learning how to be a good wife. I spent my thirties working outside the home, struggling for a child and eventually learning how to be a mom. I left a job that I did for seven years and that I really liked for another job that I absolutely love ~ full-time mom. It is the hardest job I have ever had in my life but it is also the most fulfilling. Nothing I have done in my entire life has been as fulfilling as being Briana's mom. 

Nothing.

Right now, Briana is pretty much my world - which I really enjoy. But as she gets older, she won't need me as much. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life outside of her. I could possibly go back to what I did before (support and advertising for a real estate company), but it isn't exactly what I pictured myself doing when I was in college. I thought I would go into social work or counseling (I have a psych degree). As I was finishing up with college, I figured out that social work paid very little (and I was getting married and wanted to buy a house) and counseling required a lot more schooling.

I busted my tush in school. I got good grades and I was in advanced classes in high school. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college. By the time I was done with all that, I was totally burned out. I was in love, ready to get married, wanted to get a job and was ready to just start living my life. I landed in a staffing job (HR) and did that for a short time. After a year and a half, I realized I hated staffing and quit the job to save my sanity (and Doug's). I decided to interview for an administrative position at a real estate company because I really needed a job and I needed to figure out what to do next. I got the job, but I wasn't really happy at that company and ended up moving after a year to another real estate company. And I spent 7 years there. So that is how the whole real estate thing happened - kind of by accident. And in the midst of my whole identity crisis, I thought "I'll have a baby!" - that will be NO big deal. Heh - you all know what happened next. 

Six years of struggle.

I think I always knew in the back of my mind that I wanted to stay home for a few years to raise children. My mom was a stay at home mom ~ it was just something I was accustomed to and I liked the thought of doing. And when it took so long to bring Briana home, it just solidified how much I wanted to be home with my baby. I finally had the child that I wanted so desperately. I didn't want to miss a thing. Financially, Doug and I could make it work. So, that is what we did.

I guess you could say that I am in my dream job right now. But I know that my role in the "company" will be "reduced" at some "point in the future." I'm not sure when I will be "phased out." Heh. That scares me a bit - hence the need to find something else that I am passionate about.

I am quite content because Doug is so happy in his job. I think it is a dream job for him . It is a mix of internet security (which is totally what I thought he would end up doing) and sales as well (which isn't at all what I thought he would be doing). He loves it and he gets to travel a bit. He gets to interact with lots of different people and the job supports our family - and that is a good thing.

Before I decided on the whole psychology/social work focus in college, I dreamed of being in the fashion industry. I always told everyone that I wanted to be a fashion coordinator (I LOVED fashion) - which is what I guess you would call a stylist today. So now that Briana is expressing an interest in something I loved so much growing up, it really gets me excited. I hope she gets to pursue the dream that I didn't. I have told Briana about my dream to be in the fashion industry. She said "now you are just a mom." True I guess.

But I wear the title of "mom" as a badge of honor. 

I'm not perfect at being a mom. I am the first one to admit that I make mistakes. I lose my temper sometimes. I don't feel like being on a six year old level sometimes. I am tired sometimes (ok, all the time, but remember Briana is my kid - heh). Then I look at the job I am doing. I see what a great kid Bri is. So, I think I am doing my job pretty well - so far.

I was just downstairs watching Briana dancing to the "Sofia the First" theme song. Gosh I love everything about this age. Six is amazing. I love that Bri can talk to me and make me laugh. I love that she is still so innocent. I love that everything in her life right now is princesses, unicorns and rainbows. I love that everything fascinates her. I love when she jumps into the car and tells me that she learned about dehydration in class. I love that life has not tainted her yet. 

And sadly life taints as we get older. It's just life.

I get scared thinking about raising a child in this crazy world of social media. This isn't something I had to deal with growing up. Social media can be a great thing, but it can be devastating too. Every thought and every opinion can be posted instantly by someone and read in mere seconds by others. People that wouldn't necessarily say something nasty to someone's face feel protected by typing it on a keyboard in the privacy of their own home. Preaching and/or expressing an opinion over and over seems totally justified because you are typing it in your own space (example FB walls). It is so overwhelming to me at times.

I see people behaving badly and getting rewarded for it. It is so sad. We are bombarded with nasty political elections, 24 hours news cycles and too many celebrity sightings to count. Shows like "The Bachelor", "Real Housewives" and the lovely new "Plastic Wives" are being advertised and revered as something people should actually pay attention to. I turned off "American Idol" for the first time after 11 seasons because of the two diva judges on the show that decided to make the show about themselves rather than the contestants. Again, bad behavior everywhere. Whenever I find a smart new show on TV, it is cancelled for some reason, while shows like "Snooki and Jwow" last for seasons. Please understand that I am human. I am certainly not perfect. I do sometimes find myself channel surfing and stopping on "Honey Boo Boo." Then I realize what I am doing and wonder why the heck I was watching that train wreck of a show. And I look at these "reality" shows and think, what is wrong with this world? Why are we dumbing ourselves down like this?

Whoops, I kind of got off on a tangent there. Getting back on point now...

Whatever I decide to do in the future will be part-time. Because I know that I want (need) to be around enough to make sure Briana isn't being overtaken by this big bad world we live in. But I also want (need) to do find something I love to do and contribute something to this world besides an awesome kid (which I totally know she will be). The thing you have to know about me is that I can do different things, but I can't do any of them amazingly well. I can take a pretty picture, but it isn't going to be extraordinary. I can cook, but I am not going to be featured in any sort of cooking magazine. I can paint, but I will accidentally go outside the lines. I am not really an expert in anything. So many times I wish I was.

So as you can see, I have had a bunch of thoughts rattling around in my head. I just needed to spit them out and write them down.

So as 40 approaches, what the heck does my future hold?

I haven't got a freakin' clue.