The 2nd Grade Drama

Despite her smile, last week was a rough one for Briana ~ and for me.

It all started when Briana got in the car on Monday afternoon after school. I always ask her how school day went and I usually get "fine" or "good" and then I have to prompt her for more answers.

Monday was different. She started talking about a little girl that made a "pinky" promise to sit next to her at lunch but then broke that promise. Most of this drama played out on FB ~ so here is some of what I wrote...

"My heart is breaking for Briana right now. My daughter that has never complained about social dynamics at school finally confided in me today. She started crying after she got home from school (and I couldn't help crying too). Two little girls that Bri really liked and used to hang out with her at the beginning of the school year have now decided to go and hang with two other little girls. Seems that they have made a foursome "clique." Bri decided to ask one of the little girls on Friday if she wanted to sit next to her at lunch on Monday and the girl said yes - and they "pinky promised." Well, the girl didn't sit with her today and went to sit with her other friends - leaving Bri with no one to sit next to her. Bri asked her after lunch what happened to their promise and the girl hesitated and said she was sorry. But when Bri asked her "what about tomorrow then?" - the girl said "um, maybe." Bri asked me and sobbed, "Why don't they want to sit with me?" This is a parenting moment that I have always dreaded. The one where I can't really help her or spare her feelings. I've given her some advice, but it is up to her to take it or not. I would do anything to make her hurt go away."

I think what hurt her the most was the response from this one particular girl. This is the girl she liked the most. Briana asked to sit with her at lunch because for several weeks now, this girl has been pulling away and Briana has been feeling it. And Bri was so surprised she broke the promise because they had made a "pinky promise." That is a big deal for a 7 year old. Briana, being 7, still had hopes this girl would actually sit next to her the next day. When I started to explain that her response hinted that probably wasn't going to happen, that is when the flood gates opened.

I sent Briana to school the next day and it was so hard. I tried to prepare her - I told her to sit with someone else if the girl did break her promise again.

This is what happened Tuesday...

"Briana update - Bri just got home and told me what happened today. The girl that said Bri could "maybe" sit next to her today told Bri once again "Sorry Briana, maybe you can sit next to me next Monday." So my awesome girl said "ok fine", walked away and asked to sit next to another girl in her class - and this new girl said yes. Bri ended up talking to her and another girl today. Bri is in very good spirits this afternoon. I let her know how proud I am of her on how she handled herself today. And I told her to just give up on sitting with this mean girl and don't approach her about it again. Bri is too good for this and doesn't need to act desperate to sit with this group of mean girls. I told Bri a real friend wouldn't do this kind of thing and that she will enjoy her time more with nicer kids. I'm thinking she gets it now."

Unfortunately, she didn't get it. Wednesday, Bri sat at the same table with those girls and they once again didn't talk to her. I felt so bad for her.

Bri's Wednesday got even tougher. She cried once when the teacher told her to stop fiddling with something. Then she cried when a little boy said she "pooped roses on her head" because of the roses on her hair bows. (One little bright spot was that another boy told the boy who said that to apologize to Briana because he made her cry. And the kid apologized. That was such a nice thing for that other kid to do.) Briana was just overdone and stressed that day about the whole situation. Everything was setting her off.

I promised Briana on Monday that I would have lunch with her on Thursday (and she was really excited). I was so glad I was going to assess the situation. In the meantime, I had e-mailed Bri's teacher to let her know what was going on. She responded and let me know that she had talked with Briana. And she let me know that the girls that Bri was trying to befriend were "sweet" but that there were sweeter girls for Bri to be friends with. I told Bri we would not be sitting at that (for lack of better phrasing) "mean girl" table on Thursday and that we were going to sit at the other table.

Thursday I met Briana's class at the cafeteria and steered Briana to the other table of girls. They were so sweet and nice. Right when I sat down, Bri's teacher came over and whispered to me "This is where Briana needs to be." Immediately, I knew she was right. These girls were more of Bri's "speed." 

On Friday, I told Briana she was not allowed to sit at the original table unless she confronted (nicely) the girl that made the promise. This had been bothering Bri so badly and I thought letting the girl know might help. But one thing was for sure, I wasn't going to let her sit there again at that table and be ignored.

This is what happened on Friday...

"Briana had a good day today. She made the decision to not confront the little girl and just sat with her new lunch friends. I think this drama is finally behind us. I'm happy that I was able to help her navigate through this a bit. Now that her eyes have been opened, I think she will be able to handle stuff like this on her own. Of course, I will be right by her side if she ever needs me again."

I realize now that the reason that Bri had befriended these girls was because she had been sitting next to them in class. They just happened to be the two girls that she was getting to know and she started sitting with them at lunch. Then the teacher did some seat rearranging in the classroom (the teachers do that every so often) and she wasn't sitting near them anymore. Bri told me that she had been sitting with these two girls at lunch for quite a while and then it seemed like they became more interested in each other and in two new girls (that Bri doesn't really talk to) and they eventually created the little foursome. Looking back, I had also let Bri bring in her rainbow loom for a couple of days (to bring to recess) and the two girls may have been gravitating to her because of that. Once Bri wasn't bringing it in anymore, they lost interest in her.

 A few of my 1st grade mama friends suggested we get together for a frozen yogurt play date on Friday afternoon. It was really good for Bri to see her 1st grade friends and for me to reconnect and chit chat with their moms...

My first grade mama friends are "in the know" when it comes to "goings on" at the school. When we started chatting about this group of girls, they enlightened me a bit about their own previous experiences with a couple of them. Let's just say, I found out it is probably better that Bri moves on to a new group of 2nd grade friends.

Briana's sweet and innocent eyes were opened pretty wide last week. She learned that not all kids are super nice and not all of them are going to like her. She is so sensitive, and sometimes I worry she will be "eaten alive" in this world. Not sure how to toughen her up. Maybe experiences like this will help with that. Fingers crossed.

As for me, I am trying to navigate how much I should step in to help Briana and how much I need to let Bri take charge of things on her own. In this case, Bri was pretty clueless about what to do. I felt I really needed to help her out and I was glad I could do so. (I have had quite a bit of experience in feeling like I don't belong - thank you 8th, 9th and 10th grade - heh.) She'll always need me I am sure, but hopefully less and less as she grows and matures.

One of my 1st grade mama friends told me, "If you think this was bad, just wait until middle school." Good Lord ~ I don't think I'll make it.

(And Bri is sick with a fever today, so she is getting a break from the drama. I think she needed a mental health break anyway!)