Four Weeks She's Been Gone

 Four weeks ago today, I received the worst news possible. I lost one of my best friends. There are moments when I feel like it didn't really happen. It can't be real. She can't be gone. How can she never be coming back? I wish I could just talk to her one more time so I can know how she would feel about all of this. I know that sounds crazy. I just know she would be really upset about this. Her older brother passed way just two years before she did (they were two years apart but they both passed at the same age), and she would talk to me about how much she missed him. She still had things to do here and people who depended on her. I don't understand how such a strong presence in the world can just be - gone.

 But maybe she isn't completely gone. 

On the day of her service (the service was happening in the evening), I noticed the suction cup along with the suncatcher that Carole had given me as gift many years ago had fallen off my kitchen window. It's happened before -  a few times over the years - so I wasn't super surprised to see it lying there. I picked it up off the ledge to put it back on the window. This time though, I noticed that one of the beaded strings had snapped off of it and beads started falling everywhere. I was stunned. And as I walked across the room with it trying to figure out how to try to get the string back on, another beaded string just broke off and fell onto the floor too. More beads everywhere. I started to cry because this special gift she had given me was falling apart and I didn't know why. It's so hard to believe that it was just coincidence...

I don't know what the suncatcher falling apart meant. But instead of repairing it, I cut off the last middle string and just left the two outside strings. I felt like the suncatcher needed to stay broken. Our relationship is still special, but it has to be different now.

Carole's service was lovely. Her daughter spoke about her and was so eloquent. But it was a super tough evening.

Sadly, Carole's mom passed away this past Sunday. She was 90 and in failing health. Carole always gave me updates on her. But even with her health failing, she was at Carole's service and I was able to to speak to her. She didn't remember who I was, but I told her I was Carole's friend. I'm glad that I was able to talk with her for just a moment and shake her hand. Carole's mom's passing was the phone call I actually expected to receive 4 weeks ago. Not Carole's. And I knew once Carole was gone, her mom would follow closely behind. It took just 3.5 weeks.

I really felt that hole in my life when Briana hurt her finger a few weeks back. I know Carole would have kept checking in with me about her to make sure she was ok. She would have asked if I needed anything. That was just Carole. But she wasn't there to check in this time. It felt weird and I didn't like it.

And you know what's crazy? Carole notarized Doug's and my wills just few months ago.

I keep reading our texts and e-mails to one another over and over again. There are hundreds of e-mails and texts I can look through. It's comforting to me right now and it makes me feel like we are still communicating somehow.

  

I cried every day at first. And now I don't find myself crying as much. But I'm still sad and I think of her all the time. Going on spring break vacation was really good for me. It was therapeutic in a way. I went back to my old home - Miami, FL. I visited with friends and family and revisited my old stomping grounds. I showed Bri where I used to live as a child and it was so neat seeing her there.

My next posts will be all about my trip.

I know time will help my sadness fade a bit. But, there will always be a small hole in my heart that can never be filled.

A few weeks ago, I had a glass of wine (in my grandmother's favorite glass) to toast Carole. I placed one of Carole's wine charms on it that she made me for Christmas...

 "To my friend, I miss you."

Carole often wrote group e-mails to family and close friends updating all of us on the goings on in her life. In a couple of her blast e-mails after her brother had passed, she would write about him lovingly and ask questions about why he had to leave too soon. These are the exact same ones I am asking about her now.

In one of her e-mails she wrote...

"...as in “The Wrath of Khan” – the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. . . he was the one that would not be around, making the many of us angry, sad and questioning why such a beautiful person like my brother can be gone like that."

  She also wrote...

"Life does go on, although somewhat "less" because of those that are no longer with us in body, but will always be in spirit."

I truly wish I could make sense out of all of this.