Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Six years ago in early October, Doug and I found out I was pregnant with our first child. 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried.

I became pregnant with the aid of a fertility drug (after trying for a year on our own). My progesterone levels were monitored each month by my OB/GYN while I was taking the drug. When I thought I might be pregnant, I took several home pregnancy tests (about 5 or 6, seriously) - all positive. When I called my OB/GYN office to tell them, my doctor's main nurse told me that my progesterone levels were so low that there was no way that I could be pregnant. After pleading with her to take a blood test to find out for sure, she finally agreed. I cried the whole way over to their office to get my blood drawn. She made me feel like I was crazy. It was very tramatic.

The next day, a different nurse called me and told me I was pregnant. I never heard from the original mean nurse that had told me there was no way, so I called her the day after I found out. She answered the phone with such an attitude. Like, why was I bothering her. I informed her that I was indeed pregnant. I was shocked that she had not been told. Her attitude completely changed and she said happily "congratulations!" I asked her with my progesterone being so low, what were my chances of staying pregnant. She said I had a 50/50 chance. It was quite a blow. I decided not to tell anyone I was pregnant except for immediate family because I didn't know what would happen.

At six weeks, I had an ultrasound. Everything looked very good. There was a strong heartbeat. I had already been getting blood drawn every couple days to check to make sure my hCG levels were doubling - and they were. I had a checkup a week after that and the doctor seemed really pleased. I started feeling more confident, so Doug and I started telling people. I really wished we hadn't.

At ten weeks I started cramping. I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound done. Doug and I were told that there was no longer a heartbeat. We lost the baby. I felt like someone had literally ripped my heart out. How was I going to tell my family? My friends? I don't think I have ever felt so empty in my life. It was a few days before Thanksgiving.

Because I found out there was no heartbeat on a Friday around lunchtime, I was told that I couldn't have a D & C scheduled until Monday and I could possibly miscarry on my own over the weekend. Unfortunately, I had no idea what I was in store for. They didn't give me the slightest idea of how painful it was going to be. I miscarried at home the next day.

I fell into a deep depression after that. Looking back, I probably should have seeked some psychological help, but I really thought I could handle it on my own. Obviously, I changed practices and found a doctor I really loved. In fact, I still go to him. They told me to try the fertility drugs again for a few months. So I did several rounds with no luck. Then they sent me to a specialist. After two more years, 4 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF, Doug and I decided to adopt to grow our family. I used to get mad at myself for not pursuing adoption sooner and for pushing so hard for a biological child. The doctors kept telling me, "You're young and you've been pregnant before so keep trying" - so I did. I think the pregnancy kept giving me that false sense of hope.

I don't get mad at myself anymore for trying so long. Now I know that the timing was the way it was supposed to be. Perfect timing. If I had stopped trying any sooner or kept trying any longer, I wouldn't have my precious, beautiful Briana. Things happened the way they were supposed to.

The pain has definitely faded, but it still lingers. I still feel sadness some days. I still think about our loss. Briana definitely has eased so much of the sadness. A girlfriend of mine was pregnant at the same time I was and her daughter is 5 now. Every once in a while, I wonder what it would have been like to have a five year old child today.

So today, we will pay tribute to and remember the baby we lost in November 2002 by lighting a candle. Our little guardian angel. And then I will give Briana and Doug a big hug and a kiss. They are truly my blessings.