So, how am I doing?
I don't really know how to answer that.
Overwhelmed, unsure and a little lost are probably the best ways to describe my life right now.
Bri just turned 18. She's an "adult" now. She's leaving for college in a little over a week. We are running around trying to get last minutes things done. We are hitting as many doctor and dental appointments as we can before summers end. Doug has work stuff going on. I am getting surgery on my heel on September 18th and I am absolutely terrified. No weight bearing on my right leg (my driving leg) for 6 to 8 weeks. I can't even picture it right now.
Oh - and let me throw in getting Mei's teeth cleaned (leading to three tooth extractions) and her anal glands expressed - which is not making for the happiest kitty right now.
And...I battle anxiety, depression and perimenopause on a daily basis.
Now that my kid is leaving the nest, I need to figure out my next phase of life. She has been my focus for so many years and I've been very content with that. I waited a ridiculously long time for her, so I didn't want to miss anything - and I didn't. But now I need to find myself again, and it will kind of difficult because I am going to be basically semi-immobile for 6 to 8 weeks - maybe longer.
When I used to hear people talk about having a mid-life crisis, I thought it was silly and felt so cliché. I mean - just be grateful to still be in this world because so many people don't get that opportunity.
But, I get it now. When you hit fifty and you haven't accomplished all the things that you hoped or envisioned for your life or maybe you didn't follow or get all the dream(s) that you saw for yourself in your teens and twenties, it can be really jarring. You feel "less than" or kind of down because life's twists and turns spun you in a different direction. For example, I never imagined empty-nesting after raising just one child. I always
envisioned that I'd have more than one child and have more raising kids time. Life didn't work out that way.
My infertility journey altered my life in more ways than I ever imagined. Trying to start a family became a full-time job on top of my other full-time job. Eventually, my full-time job had to become a part-time job, so I could focus on trying to have a child (my new full-time job). After 6 years of trying to figure it all out and pushing myself beyond limits, it finally happened and I fully embraced the fulfillment of my dream - kind of pushing my other dreams and talents to the side. And that has always been totally ok by me. I knowingly made that choice. Now, I don't know how to go back and pursue some of those "lost" dreams and talents. I'm not looking for a career. Briana became my career and that truly fulfilled me in a lot of ways. I'm honestly not looking toward going back to school. I'm just looking for something meaningful now to add to my life and maybe put some money in my pocket.
Then the bad thoughts creep in that I am too old to start something new. I have freaking wrinkles, gray hair and muscle aches. I'm too out of shape. I'm too tired and worn out. I've battled a LOT of chronic illness the last few years. I can't rewind time or change the past, and I'm not sure how to move forward now. I definitely yearn more for comfort and stability rather than stepping outside my comfort zone. But, I know that I can't get anywhere new if I don't stretch myself at least a little.
I've lost some of confidence in my capabilities, and Doug gets angry with me when I say that. He says that I am as strong, determined and intelligent as I always have been (he didn't say rational though - I'm confused by that one). Anxiety entered my life a number of years ago, so that doesn't help my plight at all. I think when you are a stay at home mom for a long time and you struggle with chronic illness, it is hard to imagine yourself back "out there" again - especially when you struggle with anxiety.
Doug wants to travel more now that we will be college empty-nesters. But, I need to be able to walk normally again first. So if we do end up doing that, I need something flexible and preferably part-time to occupy my time. Maybe something I can do from home. Maybe something that utilizes my ability to write. I have no idea. I'm a bit lost.
So hopefully I won't completely meltdown into some ginormous mid-life crisis. I need to concentrate on healing my heel and getting back in shape over the next few months. I need to get a hold of my anxiety crap. Once Briana settles into her school routine and I see she is thriving, I will take a nice deep breath again - fingers crossed.
I am going to miss Briana SO much. The reality of her leaving is starting to hit me hard and she's not even gone yet. Doug and I were married for ten years before she joined our clan, so I hope he and I will be able to somehow bounce back into a pre-Bri routine. Bri has added so much to our lives though. Her wit and her sarcastic (and sometimes humbling) comebacks have become a staple in our house. It is going to be weird to not have her dynamic in our house every day. I know she will be coming back home on breaks from school, but it's all just going to be - different.
I will say, the political environment has changed so drastically since my "well-being" post, I feel like I have a bit of whiplash. But in a good way. I have hope that I didn't have 5 weeks ago, so that has been very helpful for my mental well-being.
So
that is my update. I'm just overwhelmed. Life is coming at me kind of fast
and I don't like it. I don't really embrace change and a lot of it is
happening to me now and will continue to happen. You know that I don't only write about butterflies and unicorns. I am real - and this is real right now.
Thank you as always for reading my blog. Your support and interest in my life (and my kid's life) means more to me than you can even imagine. I don't have thousands of followers and I've lost a bunch of readers over the years with the diminishing interest in the China adoption community and blogging in general, but the few that have hung in there - thank you.
Think of me on September 3rd when Bri is heading to SCAD. It will be a rough day!
