Rumor Roller Coaster

Wow - what is up with these rumors? First they're good, then bad. Talk about messing with people's emotions. The only reason I am not in complete meltdown mode this month is because I pretty much know I am in this time. The only way I won't make it is if there is a one day batch. Um, I guess you never know, but I really doubt it. I have been on the emotional roller coaster ride and it bites, especially when that surprise two day referral batch was thrown in.

All of my fingers and toes are crossed for you early November LIDers. I really, really, REALLY hope you make the cut (and you know who you are!). And I hope we get further into November than the rumors are saying so that my later November LID friends and December friends won't have to wait too long to get their referrals. Please CCAA - match, match, match away!

In Memory Of Doug's Brother Leo

I have been thinking a lot about Doug's oldest brother Leo lately. First, I had my baby shower on what would have been his 42nd birthday. Then, Memorial Day was this week. And, I also think it is because Doug and I are getting so close to referral day. I wonder what Leo would have thought about his baby brother becoming a father very soon.

Leo was killed in a plane crash in January of 1997 - four days before Doug's 24th birthday and four months before Doug and I were to be married. He lived in Atlanta, but he went on a business trip and took a commuter flight from Cincinnati to Detroit. On the final approach to the airport, there was icing on the wings and the plane crashed in snowy farm community - 26 passengers and 3 flight crew were killed. Leo was only 31 years old.

I remember coming home from work that day and seeing pictures of the crash on the news. I had no idea Leo was even on a business trip. I had been seeing pictures of the wreckage all evening on TV and had no idea what I was actually witnessing. Around 8PM, Doug and I were having our usual evening phone chat when the call waiting beeped. Doug clicked over, and when he came back, he told me he just received the news that Leo was on that plane.

I didn't believe him at first. I was in shock. But it was true. My mind was spinning. I felt like the world just ended. I wondered how Doug was going to survive this. I wondered how I was going to help get him through this. Was I strong enough to get through this? Then all of a sudden - it hit me. Our wedding. The wedding we had been planning for over a year. What were we going to do? I decided to push the wedding out of my mind and focus all my energy on Doug. I just needed to be there for him. The wedding wasn't important. We would figure it all out later.

The days following the crash were brutal. Information just trickled in from the NTSB. It was winter in Michigan and the investigation was very slow going. And I also found out how relentless and heartless the media really was. The endless phone calls from newspapers and television stations and the reporters staking out Doug's family's house. They asked the question, "How do you feel?" What a ridiculous question. Devastated and heartbroken. What the heck do you think? Idiots. I remember I was going to my car one afternoon and a local television reporter ambushed me asking how I knew the family. I lied and said I wasn't family and ran back in the house. It was horrible. Doug's good friend (who ironically went through a similar situation a few years prior) went outside and told her to leave.

Leo's memorial service was extremely sad and the church was packed. He had so many friends and business associates. He was so personable and so well liked. It didn't seem possible that someone so young and full of life was just gone.

A few weeks after the crash, Doug and I discussed the wedding and with his family's blessing, we decided to go ahead and get married on the day we had originally planned. We knew that Leo would not have wanted us to postpone the wedding. So we did get married, and though the wedding was wonderful, there was definitely a very large piece of our lives missing that day.

And here we are 10 years later. Sometimes it feels like it was 10 years ago, and sometimes it feels like yesterday. Leo had been married for 4 years but had no children. A few years after Leo passed, his wife moved away from Atlanta and ended contact with the family. I do know she remarried, and she probably has kids by now.

I always hoped that after Doug and I married that I would get to know Leo better. Leo was 8 years older than Doug and me. Even though Leo was a number of years older than Doug, they had a very close relationship. Unfortunately when Doug and I first started dating, he really didn't take me or the relationship Doug and I had seriously at all. He thought it was just a silly teenage romance, and I was just a young dorky girl who sunk her hooks in to his young naive brother. There was definitely a lot of teasing going on at that time. As the years went by and Doug and I stayed together, I know that view must have changed, but I remained pretty intimidated by Leo. To me, he seemed so much older (which seems so silly now), and he was this traveled, savvy business man. I felt so young and inexperienced, and I know I was really quiet when I was around him. Even when Doug and I got engaged, I wasn't really sure what Leo thought of me. Doug told me that Leo was very happy that we were getting married, but I still wasn't so sure. I know that was my own insecurity. For some reason, I thought when I was officially his sister-in-law that I would finally get that chance to know him better, and I guess prove myself to him. I feel very cheated that I didn't get that chance.

I often wonder what life would be like if Leo was still here. What would my relationship be like with him now? Would he have had kids (we know he wanted them)? What would he think of our adoption? Of Doug becoming a father? Unfortunately, we will never know the answers and that makes me very sad. But there is one thing I did learn. I knew Doug was a strong person, but during that ordeal, I saw how strong and amazing he really was.

Leo was an Auburn alumni and there is a scholarship fund set up in his name. If anyone is interested in contributing, just send me an e-mail and I can give more information.

Leo we miss you...

Memorial Day Weekend BBQ

Doug & I, Matt & Kathy and Georgia & Jeff all gathered for a fun-filled afternoon yesterday at Mick & James' house for awesome bbq. James prepared ribs, pork and chicken in the smoker, and boy was everything was delicious! We sat out on the back porch eating, drinking, chatting and just relaxing. It was a fabulous day for good friends and fantastic food. It was also a going away party for Anna, Matt and Kathy's foreign exchange student from Taiwan. Anna is leaving to go home tomorrow after being in the USA since July, and we are all going to miss her very much. Anna brought along her friend Lily who is also a foreign exchange student from Taiwan, and Lily will be going home on June 12.

We had so much fun - afternoon turned quickly to evening and then night. Thank you so much Mick & James for hosting such a fun get-together that we didn't even know what time it was. Sorry we stayed so late! :)

Here are a few pics from the day:

The girls, Anna and Lily. We are going to miss you both!

Georgia, Mick and Jeff enjoying the afternoon on the back porch.

Doug, James, Matt and Kathy. (As you can see, Doug is not cooperating with me on this picture!)

Take A Guess

The word out in rumor land is that matching has started! I think I have about a week and a half until I get a referral! I have butterflies in my stomach!

Lisa S. told me that it would be fun if I posted the guessing game, so here it is. Take a guess regarding the following:

Province
Birthdate
Weight as of latest physical

I can't wait to see what you all think!

Gifts Galore

Between Mother's Day and my baby shower, I have received so many wonderful gifts! I already posted a ton of pictures of my baby shower gifts, but here are a few special gifts that I have not posted about. My mom gave me the item above for Mother's Day. It is a little baby girl sleeping on a swan. Isn't it so cute?

And this is a gift I received from Debbie yesterday. It is a matching bag with change purse, a beach towel and bathing suit for Briana. She also gave me a couple of really cute books. The suit is so cute I can hardly stand it - thanks Debbie!

And yes, these are my toes. For Mother's Day/Baby Shower, Doug gave me a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure at a new day spa near my house. So Friday when I started feeling better, I went and had my nails done. So, do you like my toes?

Shower For Briana

I am so glad to be back! I am alive and kickin'! I am feeling so much better now, and thank you for all the comments wishing me to get well. And I needed to get well because my sister Amy (with some help from my mom) threw me the most beautiful baby shower for my local Atlanta friends and family yesterday!

Amy really went above and beyond for this shower and didn't miss one amazing detail. Delicious food, beautiful decorations and a cake that she had made to look just like the shower invitation! In one room (the hor derves room), she had a China theme with dragons and red balloons. In another room (which we called the cake room), she decorated it all in pink and white, and in the family room (the gift opening room), I had my own special chair decorated with balloons. I can't even begin to thank her and my mom for all of their hard work.

We did play a couple baby games. The first was a memory game where you had to write as many baby items (nail clippers, pacifier, etc) that you could remember that were tied to a clothing hanger and were shown to everyone for only about a minute. Most correct guesses was the winner. The second game was hilarious. All the girls had to draw on a piece of paper what they think Briana will look like - except they had to do it with their eyes closed. I can tell you that there were some really funny pictures. I had to vote for my favorite (which was so hard), but Lisa S. won that one!

And I want to thank all of my friends, family and my bloggy/adoption family who came to the shower to celebrate my special day! You all spoiled me beyond my wildest dreams and made me feel so incredibly special. I really love all of you girls!

Here are some very special moments from the day!

Takin' Some Time To Get Better

I started taking some medicine for my acid reflux starting on Saturday, and I have had an allergic reaction to it. I have an icky rash on my arms and legs and it is not too comfortable. I went to the doctor for steroids yesterday and I was feeling much better in the evening, but I just woke up and I am feeling pretty itching this morning, so I need to call him back. I don't think these meds are strong enough.

I am going to be out of commission on my blogging until I feel better. I hope I am back really soon!

Happy Mother's Day

I just want to say an early "Happy Mother's Day" to my mom. This is one of my favorite pictures of me and my mom. It was taken a couple of years ago.

And Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and moms-to-be out in blogland. Enjoy your Sunday!

Feeling Much Better

I just want to say the biggest, heartfelt "thank you" to everyone who commented on my last blog entry. You are all so incredible, wonderful and supportive. I really don't know what I would do without all of you. I wish I could express how touched I was as I read each sweet comment.

I am feeling soooo much better today. It is amazing what a good cry will do for you! Ok - I am ready now. Bring on referrals!!!!!

Really Bad Day

Yep - this was me yesterday. I was distraught. The whole entire day. I just woke up feeling down. I think I am just tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of worrying. Tired of wondering. Tired of second guessing myself. Tired of being scared. Tired of being tired.

Doug and I have struggled so much trying to start a family that I am often prone to looking at the glass half empty (which I am really trying to change). I have the dreaded "What if something goes wrong?" syndrome. I am so excited for my referral. Beyond excited. My dream will come true that day. Of course, I am worried too. What if I am accidentally skipped? (Which is completely irrational). Will my baby be healthy? Will she be a she? I have so many things swirling in my head, sometimes I think it is going to explode.

I have been so stressed lately that I haven't felt well. I had a problem with acid reflux years ago and now I feel it is coming back. I went to the doctor today to get some meds. I am a stress eater too, and I have gained several pounds which I am now beating myself up over.

It has been very hard adjusting to not having a job. It was a huge part of who I was for seven years. I thought I would definitely have a referral in April or May, that is why I left my job when I did. Now I am looking at a June referral instead with travel probably in August. Very hot August. The months seem even longer now. And how should I fill my days? I know I should be shopping for my trip for China. Again, the fear sets in. I can't seem to bring myself to buy diapers, formula or baby medications. I mean, "What if something goes wrong?" Right?

And when I learned that I would almost definitely be getting a referral in early June, I e-mailed my pediatrician last week letting him know the news. (He has been waiting patiently for me to get a referral for over a year now.) Sunday afternoon, he e-mailed me back letting me know he was going on vacation the first week in June. Yep - right when I should be getting my referral. He assured me that he had someone else in the practice that could fill in while he was gone (that had the same experience looking at referral records), but it still hit me very wrong. Choosing a pediatrician was the one thing I had control over, when I had no control over anything else. So, it really knocked me for a loop. My doctor has every right to go on vacation. It is summer for Pete's sake.

Yesterday, there I was sitting on the couch. I had missed "Grey's Anatomy" on Thursday, so I decided to watch it. One of the story lines was about a surrogacy. In one of the scenes, an adoptive mother said to the doctor, "I just want a baby so badly." That's me. I just want a baby so badly. Not a good show to watch when you are down in the dumps. I started to cry. I cried and cried until my body hurt. It was one of those uncontrollable cries that would come and go the entire day. Poor Doug came home after work and didn't know what to do. There was nothing to do. I just needed to cry. After I cried myself out, Doug ordered a pizza for dinner and then we watched American Idol. I always feel better after American Idol.

I went to sleep and woke up this morning. I felt better. Nothing really changed, but I just felt better. I guess every one has a day like that once in a while. I am sure I will have another bad day in my future, and when I do, then the next day I will pick myself up and dust myself off again.

I am so looking forward to seeing my baby's beautiful little face in a few weeks. I can hang on - I am almost there.

Cinco de Mayo

Doug and I met Kathy, Matt and Anna, Mick and James and Georgia and Jeff for Mexican food, margaritas and a lot of laughs on Cinco de Mayo. We had such a great time! After several rounds of margaritas, we all decided it would be fun to go bowling after dinner.

I had not worn socks that evening, and neither did Georgia and Jeff, and I knew that there was no way that I stickin' my bare foot in a nasty old bowling shoe. So, Georgia and Jeff made a sock run, and I now own a groovy pair of pink socks with white polka dots from Walgreens. It was men vs. women, and the first game the guys beat us by one measly point. The second game, the guys kicked our butts. Hey - I think I need to suggest a rematch!

Here are some fun pics of the evening! For more pics, check out Mick's site - she did an awesome photo montage!

Anniversary Evening

Unfortunately, Doug had to work all day on our anniversary, but we had a wonderful evening. I drove to Doug's office so we could drive to dinner together. The corporate campus is really beautiful, with picnic tables all over place. We sat at a picnic table and opened our gifts to one another. I gave Doug a very nice watch and he gave me a beautiful diamond bracelet. He did very well, didn't he? He gets big bonus points!!!! (I guess I can't pick a fight with him for a while.)




Before we went to dinner, Doug brought me up to his office so I could see his new workspace and meet a few of his co-workers. Everyone was so friendly. Doug has some really great people that he works with.

We headed to a restaurant called "Strip" (a steak and sushi place) and we had a wonderful meal. Delicious! As you can see above, most of the pictures that I have of Doug and me together lately are taken at restaurants. I always ask the poor waiter or waitress to snap a shot of us. Because it is just the two of us, we never have a third party to take a piccie, so I have to take advantage when I have a third party available!

And thank you so much everyone for the amazing anniversary wishes!

Our 10 Year Anniversary & 18 Month LID

Doug and I were married on May 3, 1997, and on Thursday, we are celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. We met in high school and our first date was the senior prom - even though we said we were just going as "friends". After four and a half years of dating, Doug proposed and we were married a year and a half later.

The song we danced to at our wedding was "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx.

Doug is my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. I love him more and more every day, and I look so forward to raising Briana and spending the rest of my life with him. Here is a photomontage showing the 16 years we have spent together.

Doug - I love you.

May 3, 2007 is also our 18 month LID anniversary.