The Dream Where I Saw Them

I know I said I was going back to "regularly schedule programming" but I want to write my dream down here so I won't forget it after time.

I had a dream the night of my grandmother's funeral in which I saw and spoke to both of my grandparents (actually it was pretty early the next morning). They both seemed so real and I can still see all the details. What is even more amazing about the dream is that before I went to sleep, I asked them (in my mind) if they could visit me in a dream (honestly never really thinking I would dream about them). I know it may be hard for some to believe and right now I am in disbelief myself.

Now I will confess that I am a fan of shows like Long Island Medium and Celebrity Ghost Stories, so obviously I do enjoy hearing these types of stories. I really want to believe, but I am still on the fence about all of it.

This is a picture of my grandparents on their wedding day, but this is not how they looked in the dream to me...

My grandfather looked more like this in my dream (this is me on his lap back in the 70's)...

In my dream, I was sitting in what felt like bleachers watching some sort event. There was a blanket on the ground (have no idea why). There were kids sitting around a blanket and adults too. A man I didn't recognize said, "The kids should not be here watching this." (not sure why).  The kids started to leave, but the adults started leaving too. I heard him say "Why is everyone leaving?"

As everyone left, I saw a person step onto the blanket, lay down on his side and prop himself up on his elbow. I looked and realized quickly it was my grandfather. I was stunned. He had come out of nowhere. He was not on my mind at all up to that point in the dream. He looked up at me and said "Hey honey, how you doing?" (or something similar to that). He was wearing a yellow polo type shirt and whitish plaid pants (kind of like out of the 70's). I called out to him over and over "Grandpa?" "Grandpa?" I ran over to him, leaned down and hugged him. I could feel myself hugging him.

As I was hugging him, I looked up to my right and there was my grandmother looking at me. She looked like she did in this picture (maybe a little more gray)...

I only saw her from the waist up, and she was wearing a white sweater and I think a red blouse. She had a peaceful look on her face. I said "Grandma?" and then I asked her "Are you ok, Grandma?" and tried to reach out for her arm. I could not feel her arm though. She started to look sad, kind of shook her head no and started to silently cry. I didn't get the impression that she was scared but sad - like she was sad she had to leave. I said to her "It's ok Grandma." She continued to cry and shake her head a bit. Then she started to fade and slowly spin down away from me. I tried to strain to see both of them but they faded away. 

Then 'boom' - I was awake. It was about 6:30 in the morning. I looked over at Doug who was sound asleep.

I was shaken and a bit stunned by the whole thing. I can remember what they looked like, what they said (or didn't say) and what they did. I usually don't remember dreams in that much detail. I told Doug what happened as soon as he woke up and also called my mom later that morning to tell her what happened to me.

I am not sure what to think about all of this, but it sure felt real. Was it all something just in my head or was it something more? I think I'd like to believe it was a little bit more. :)

Silly Face

For some reason, I can never get through with taking pictures of Briana without this silly face coming at my camera. ;)

My Birthday Recap

The day of my actual birthday was really very nice. (It was the day after that things got pretty sad.) Doug and Briana treated me like a queen on my 40th. And my mom spoiled me a bit as usual too. :)

I woke up that morning to balloons all over my room...

And Doug got me a Louis Vuitton purse ~ I almost died (he really is the best)...

Doug had some things he needed to do that day, so Bri and I met my mom for lunch at Fuddruckers and then went for a short time to the mall...

Bri hit a couple of rides at the mall...

I received some really funny cards in the mail. One of my favorites was from my friend Julie...

That evening, Doug, Bri and I dined at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. We gussied ourselves up...

I had a delicious steak (and so did Doug) and Briana enjoyed a no crust pb&j with fruit on the side.

I asked Doug to get me one cupcake for my birthday. He chose red velvet ~ heaven...

It was really a perfect day.

And the weekend before my birthday, my family had a birthday/Father's Day get together.

I thought your family was supposed to love and respect you (snort)...

Yes, my mother made me wear this getup.  :)

It was my sister's birthday that weekend, so we did get a nice shot of us...

Bri got in on the action...

My sister and I received some really nice gifts...

And we also celebrated Father's Day...

Of course there were grandparent hugs at the end...

As we celebrated, we had in the back of our minds that things were not good with my grandmother. Back in March, she had been put on medication to help with temper flare ups that she started exhibiting. As soon as she was put on the medication, she started to sleep a lot. A whole lot. She wasn't really eating much anymore. But it wasn't until the day after my birthday that my grandmother could not open her eyes at all or speak at all. By Friday, we knew it was close to the end.

June is a crazy busy month for birthdays. My nephew celebrated his 1st birthday on Saturday. My grandma passed on Sunday. My cousin's son celebrated his third birthday on Monday. My other cousin's daughter celebrated her 16th birthday on Wednesday. It is almost like my grandma chose a day to pass that didn't land on a birthday. Truly something.

I have one grandmother left and she is 88 (my dad's mom). Her health is sadly declining too. She lives in FL and I feel like I need to visit her soon.

All of my grandparents have passed in June. It is just so very unusual.

A Smiling Face

Despite the sadness that has been going on around here, Briana has still managed to have a great summer vacation and keeps a smile on my (and everyone else's) face.

I just thought it was time for Miss B to make an appearance again on the blog.

Be back soon...

We Said Our Final Goodbyes

We said our final goodbyes to Grandma today. Her service was this morning.

Now it is time to learn to live life without her physically being in it.

Death is only an old door
Set in a garden wall
On gentle hinges it gives, at dusk
When the thrushes call.

Along the lintel are green leaves
Beyond the light lies still;
Very willing and weary feet
Go over that sill.

There is nothing to trouble any heart;
Nothing to hurt at all.
Death is only a quiet door.
In an old wall.

Nancy Byrd Turner

(My mom snapped the above photo on my grandmother's 90th birthday. Briana was pushing her in her wheelchair.)

It was a sad day, but there were two extremely hard parts for me. One was listening to the song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" played at the funeral - it was my grandparents' favorite song. We played it when my grandfather passed and now my grandmother. The second was watching my mother say goodbye to her mother. They had a such a close and special relationship. Hard to watch my mom say goodbye...

My grandparents had "Happy Hour" around 4PM in the afternoon each and every day. My grandfather had a beer and my grandmother a glass of wine. They would toast to each other and say "Here's To You." Even after Grandpa passed, Grandma had her glass of wine and would utter those same words.

So today when we went back to my mother's house, the family had a toast to my grandmother. "Here's to you ~ Betty, Mom, Grandma."

Goodbye Grandma. Love you.

(((Regularly scheduled programming will be back in a day or two ~ I will start playing some post catch up.)))

Rest In Peace Grandma

My grandmother (my mother's mother) passed this morning a little after 9AM. Such a very sad day. I am going to miss her so much.

My grandfather was waiting for her. They are finally together again after an 11 year separation.

My grandfather used to always tell a great story...

My grandparents went dancing every Saturday night while they were dating. My grandfather said that when he and my grandmother entered the dance hall, the conductor of the band would see them and have the band stop whatever they were playing. "Boom, the music would stop" - my grandfather would say - "and they would start playing the song 'Maybe'."

I hope they are happy and finally dancing together again in heaven...

Say A Little Prayer

Please say a little prayer for my grandmother. She is in the process of slipping away from us.

I am so glad I was able to see her yesterday (Thursday). I held her hand. Spent time with her. I hope she knew that I was there. She did try to open her eyes and say something to me, but she could not say anything.

I have tons to blog about, but I am just not up to it right now. I am going to take a little break - and then I will play some catch up when I get back.

I'll be back soon.

A Melancholy Day

You might remember the rose bush that I planted a few years ago. At the beginning of June, the bush produced these beautiful flowers. I cut them and put them in a vase so I could enjoy them. I've looked at the bush since then and it looks stagnant now. No leaves on it. I am worried it might be dying. If so, I will have to plant another one - which makes me sad.

The bush gave me one last ditch effort to give me some flowers - and they were beautiful.

When I became pregnant the first time, I was given the due date of June 20, 2003. The baby was supposed to be born the day after my birthday. Someone commented to me that it could be tough having to share my birthday with my child, but I didn't care at all. I just wanted to be a mom. The birth date was not an issue. I just wanted a healthy baby.

As you all know, the pregnancy didn't last.

I could have had a ten year old child today. There are times I still think about what it might be like to have a ten year old in my life. I look around at other ten year olds and sometimes wonder.

But if things hadn't happened the way they did, I wouldn't have Briana in my life. I would have had a very different life. Though I still have fleeting moments of sadness, I think things ended up the way they were supposed to. Briana was supposed to be with me and Doug.

Today, I visited my grandmother at her assisted living home. Her health is declining and I was able to spend some time with her. Tell her that I love her. I think it was a very appropriate day for a visit.

I had a wonderful day yesterday and a melancholy day today. I guess that I am just a roller coaster of emotions this week.

I think I need to go to sleep and hopefully wake up to have a happier day tomorrow.

Guess Who Is 40 Today? Yep, It's Me.

 

I can't believe I am 40 years old today. In some ways, I don't feel 40 at all. In other ways (like when I am chasing Briana around), I totally feel 40.

The last decade has been a roller coaster ride for me. I didn't know if I would ever become a mother, but then, with a ton of perseverance, I did become one - in a way that I never imagined. And I have the best kid on the planet - seriously. I adore her. I left the working world to be a stay at home mom. I've loved every second of it. No regrets - at all. I also became an aunt to two amazing nephews that I love so very much.

I have a wonderful husband, a great family and awesome friends - I have met some of my best friends during my 30's.

I started to realize that it doesn't really matter what other people think about me anymore. I know I try to be the best person I can be - and if people don't like me, they can move on. I severed several toxic relationships that took way too much of my time and energy. I feel like a new person since those people are now out of my life. Again - no regrets.

I hope this next decade will be the best one yet. I learned a lot about myself in my 30's. I realized I am a much stronger person than I ever imagined. I knew I was meant to be a mom - and I think I was right about that. I gained so much more self confidence this past decade. And though I have learned a lot about myself in my 30's, I know I can learn even more in my 40's.

Ok, 40 here I come. I am not clawing and scratching to get away from you. I feel blessed that I made it to 40 - so many people don't get that chance.

So, Happy Birthday to me. 40 - bring it on.

Father's Day Recap

I believe Doug ended up having a wonderful Father's Day (weekend). Saturday, my mom put a little family party together for Father's Day and two birthdays (my sister's and mine) - I'm going to blog about that day in my next post. But Sunday, it was all about Doug.

Bri and I gave him our cards and gifts in the morning...

Daddy/Briana kiss...

Briana gave Doug "Dr. Who" items (a T-shirt and salt and pepper shakers)...

Pretending to be scared of the dalek...

My gift to Doug (a Robert Graham leather messenger bag). Doug was quite happy...

French toast for breakfast...

We chilled out most of the morning and finally dressed to go out for a late lunch...

 Sushi for daddy...

And a trip to "Hobbytown USA"...

We got home late afternoon. Doug said for dinner, he wanted to grill.

Here is our furry child...

We sat on the back porch (I took out plastic margarita glasses - I filled them with sparkling grape juice for fun for Briana)...

She opted for a sandwich...

While Doug and I opted for tri-tip...

Toast to daddy...

My dinner - yum...

Doug indulged my need for a picture. What a guy...

We lounged on the back porch until after dark and Miss B was getting tired. After a quick shower, it was off to dreamland...

It was a quiet, perfect Father's Day. :)