An Update On Me

 I interrupt my regularly scheduled Briana/family blogging to talk a little about myself.

I always feel weird writing about myself on this blog because it's a place where I share stories about Briana and our family and friends. I don't like to use it as a place to talk about my deep thoughts or troubles. I'm considering opening a new blog and focusing on other things in my life - especially now that Bri is getting older and I don't want to deep dive into her private life in public. If you've noticed, I keep things pretty light on here now. Things we do together, vacations, holidays, school updates, etc. I get Bri's approval on what I can and cannot talk about. There is a lot that I don't share on here - and that is ok because some things need to be kept quiet.

Going back to me talking about myself here...it just feels strange. But, since it is the only blog I have right now, I will just have to do it here.

Overall, my life is good. Bri is doing great. Doug is doing great. Me - I'm struggling. And it stinks because when I look at my life, I have a great life. I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, the daughter of my dreams, people who love me - so what is there to be unhappy about?

Except I am. I do deal with a constant underlying unhappiness. And I literally cannot help it.

Because of different experiences that have happened in my life, I now have big time anxiety (which sometimes triggers depression). Anxiety that can be kind of debilitating at times.

This is a great explanation...

 

I really relate to the part where it says "It's about caring about everything and then caring about nothing." It is SO true. I worry so much about everything that I become overwhelmed. And when I become overwhelmed, I often feel like shutting down.

I'm 46 years old. And I feel 46 years old. For some reason, I have been plagued over the years with some crazy weird illnesses that still cause some chronic discomfort for me. And when I get flair ups, it causes me big time anxiety. And I am just freaking tired of being uncomfortable in my own body.

This is so true...

When I start dwelling on things that don't really matter in the big scheme of things, I try to remember this - but it's hard sometimes.

I've become that person who always waits for the next shoe to drop. A "worst case scenario" girl. And not just when it comes to health, but life in general. I think it is because I have had many instances throughout my life where I was told something was a possible "worst case scenario" and then that scenario happened. So, now I find that I now am constantly bracing myself for the worst to happen. 

And it sucks. It makes life pretty exhausting.

The good news (if you can say this is good news) is that I do realize this is a battle that I face each and every day - and I am trying to do something about it. And it is going to take some time. But if it is ok, I'll keep how I'm dealing with all this private for now.

I'm not saying that I am never happy. I do go out and have fun. Making myself to go out and have a good time is a great distraction. Sitting and thinking too much about everything isn't good for me at all. But even with distraction, my mind does come back to the "worry" eventually.

Honestly, I have really debated about putting this "out there." I don't want people to think I am crazy (well, I am kind of crazy - but you know what I'm saying). I have found blogging and being open and honest very therapeutic for me, so I am just laying it out there. Suffering in silence isn't really for me.

There will be some of you out there who will completely relate to where I'm coming from with this. And some of you won't - and believe me, if you don't relate to this, you are extremely lucky. But, maybe this post will help you understand it a little bit more what anxiety sufferers go through.

So, wish me luck or say a little prayer for me that I can conquer this somehow.

Now I will return you to regularly scheduled blogging. Heh.