Some Real Talk

Gee, my hair looks a bit gray in this picture. Time for a cut and color again - heh. I wish I had the chutzpah to go completely gray, but I'm not there yet. Not sure when I'll get there.

 

In the above picture, I was content. Woodstock, VT is such a lovely town and it made me feel happy. Peace and contentment is kind of difficult for me to find these days, but I cherish it when I am able to find it.

 

A lot of people told me turning 50 was going to be awesome. So far, it's been a toss up.

 

 As you all know, I struggle with anxiety and it is a battle I fight each and every day. I try different techniques to get through it, I do have some "as needed" anxiety medication and I see a therapist, but it doesn't completely take the edge off. I am considering other options to help myself, but not sure what avenue to take yet. 

One day a few weeks ago, Doug was about to do a huge presentation/demo for a very large company and he was feeling nervous about it (he ended up doing awesome). He rarely feels any sort of anxiety but in that moment, he was feeling it. I told him "You know that feeling you are feeling? I feel that feeling ALL the time and it is exhausting."

One of my big anxieties is travel anxiety. I have had a number of rough experiences traveling - either getting very sick or having things go sideways (like airport delays and/or cancellations - which has happened several times). I got SO sick the day before I went to China to get Briana - one of the worst colds of my life that eventually turned into pneumonia. I always hope I stay well and everyone in the family stays well - but it doesn't always happen. You all know Briana got very sick at the end of our visit to Disney World. And during our trip to Vermont, I really hurt my foot. It bothers me that this "stuff" keeps happening and reinforcing the anxiety I already have for travel. 

How'd I hurt my foot? I have bursitis in my right heel. It started flaring up for the first time a few years ago and it comes and goes. I discovered that I have a condition called "Haglund's Deformity" - which is a little bone that protrudes out of my heel and irritates/swells the bursa sac (bursitis). Usually people get the condition from wearing high heels, but I rarely wear heels, so I have no idea why I have it. 

After our trip to Disney, I had a bit of a bursitis flare up, but I got it under control on my own with the tips my podiatrist gave me. Then, it started flaring up again a couple months ago and it had been really hurting me. I was struggling getting it under control on my own. I had a ton of stuff going on at the time, so I told Doug that I would go see the podiatrist once I got back from Vermont. Well, I didn't make it.

 

My heel was definitely bothering me in Vermont. We did a lot of walking. I was limping a bit, but I was getting through it.

 

On our last evening in Vermont, I tripped over the threshold going into the hotel. It was a basic trip - one that wouldn't really be a big deal if I hadn't already had an inflamed heel. I didn't fall down, but I landed hard on my bad foot (trying to steady myself) and as I lifted my foot up, I felt ripping in my heel. I yelled out on pain and I couldn't put much weight on it right after that. I was scared I ripped my Achilles or did some major damage. We were in the middle of Woodstock, Vermont - which is a very small town. I didn't want to spend my evening in the hospital, so I went to the hotel room and put my foot on ice. I was eventually able to limp on the foot (but it hurt a lot), but I could only go short distances. We had to drive to Boston the next afternoon for a flight out the following morning. I made an appointment to see my podiatrist for the day after I got home. But...I had to GET home somehow. 

I knew I couldn't walk briskly through an airport on the foot I had. Doug (who is amazing) set up wheelchair access for me leaving Boston and coming into Atlanta. Delta was top notch and helped me get through the airports and onto and off the plane with ease. As scared as I was about my heel, this was a huge bright spot in the trip because we got back home so smoothly.

The good news is I didn't tear or rupture my Achilles. My doctor thought I just ripped a few fibers in my heel and prescribed me an anti-inflammatory drug, told me to keep icing and said to wear a boot for several weeks when I have to walk. Wearing a boot is pain in the rear I tell you though. Doing surgery for the bone on my heel is very risky and my doctor doesn't recommend it. And I can't have any cortisone shots there for pain either because it could deteriorate my tendon. So this is something that just reoccurs and I have to live with unfortunately.

 

I will say that my foot is feeling a lot better now. I'm not 100%, but doing a lot better.

On top of my heel issue, I was diagnosed with mild to moderate sleep apnea in the spring. I have a small mouth and narrow airway, and I need my airway not to close up on me when I'm sleeping. It took me several months to figure out how I wanted to tackle the apnea. On the recommendation of my dentist, I decided to try a fitted mouth guard first instead of a cpap. So several weeks ago (after struggling with insurance), I received my mouth guard - actually several mouth guards for the top and bottom of my mouth. Through trial and error, I have had to find the right guards/settings on the top and bottom of my mouth. It isn't easy. The guards are bulky and are taking some time to get used to. Once I get used to them, I will then get monitored to see if they are working optimally. If not, then I need to move on to cpap - which I really don't want. I haven't been sleeping the best and this process has been quite stressful. I'm getting more used to them but I still have a ways to go.

On top of all that, I had scheduled my lovely first colonscopy a few months ago because I am 50 now - which I ended up canceling because of all this other stuff that fell on my plate. So that is now being pushed a little down the road (TBD).

 

I never mentioned to you all that back in July, I accidentally shattered a glass bottle (dropped it on the kitchen floor) and somehow got a tiny piece of glass in my eye. Luckily, it was not embedded in my eye - it was just moving around and it was painful. After two visits to urgent care (the second visit to urgent care finally got it out) and a follow up at an eye doctor, I finally felt better.

Doug and I also talked with an oral surgeon recently about Briana's wisdom teeth. They need to come out soon. We have decided to schedule it during Briana's winter break so she has a week to recover. We want this all done before she heads off to college. Briana has never had surgery or been put under before, so we are kind of nervous. I'm probably the most nervous - heh.

 

And honestly, this isn't even all the medical stuff Doug, Bri and I have dealt with over the last few months.

 

 So medically, things have been a bit rough.

I am definitely struggling with knowing how much my life will change once Briana goes to college. I will miss her like crazy. Doug and I definitely know how to be alone together - 6 years dating, 4 years married before trying to start a family, and then 6 years of us trying to create a family. But, we will have to readjust back to that way of life. I feel like I blinked and now Bri is a senior. When Briana was in preschool, I came to the realization that she was going to be my only child. So, I poured everything I had into her and soaked in every second of parenting. I didn't want to miss a moment because I knew I was only getting one shot at experiencing everything.

Bri is a homebody, an introvert, a routine lover. She doesn't like big crowds or parties. She is happy with her small group of friends. She has no interest in having a boyfriend right now. She is honestly ready for high school to be done. I do worry that her heading to college is going to majorly shake up her world (I hope she proves me wrong). She has decided that she will go to a college not too far from home (at least for the first year), and I think that is for the best. She can experience some independence but also be close enough to us in case she really needs something. Some kids go across the country once they graduate and immediately thrive. I just think Briana needs a little more time (and she agrees). Every kid is different and that is ok. And being the anxious person I am, I will worry about her every day once she leaves us.

Sadly a few days ago, a student took his own life at Briana's school. It was a total shock and the last thing anyone expected from this student. He was so smart and had a really bright future. Briana had known him since they were in kindergarten. They were friendly in elementary school but didn't really talk in middle or high school. You know how that is. I was friendly with his mom in elementary school. Briana was very upset when she came home from school the day it was announced. We are all still trying to wrap our minds around what happened. The pressures of being a teenager, high school, social media scrutiny, things going on in the world - no wonder so many kids are depressed nowadays. Doug said to me that day that he sometimes still "sees" these 17 and 18 year olds as small kids. I totally get where he is coming from. It's hard to grasp that they are old enough now to make such grown up/final/tragic decisions.

And being a highly sensitive person, tragic world events shake me to my core. Ukraine, the political instability in our own country, the loss of rights of so many marginalized people, mass shootings, the Israel-Hamas War - it's almost too much for me to absorb. I was baptized Catholic, but my DNA is literally 50% Ashkenazi Jewish (from my dad's side). It is who I am. So what is happening right now in Israel, affects me very, very deeply.

I have a good life, a loving husband/family and sweet friends. I own a great house, D, B and I are relatively healthy and we are financially secure - which is a blessing. I don't have a lot of the immense pressures that I see others facing (though I do have my own personal pressures). I beat myself up a lot for not being completely happy when I see life being "tougher" for other people. I do believe I suffer from some sort of PTSD from dealing with lots of chronic illness over the years. My therapist reminds me that I shouldn't compare myself to others because my feelings are valid - and everyone has their own crosses to bear. 

So that is basically it. I feel overwhelmed a lot and I'm trying to find more contentment and happiness in my life. The smiles I show in the pictures I post are definitely legit. We do have a lot of good/happy times together. I do feel blessed. I just want to remind everyone that in between the smiley pictures I post, sometimes life can be a struggle. I think it is that way for everyone. 

Hope I didn't ramble too much in this post. It's just been a while since I got personal. Thanks for reading. 

I'll be posting all about our Vermont trip next...