So What Is Going On With Me?

This is a filtered picture of me. Full disclosure. I don't usually use filters, but when I do, I'm going to be honest about it. I'm not going to pretend this is actually me. No wonder people use filters all the time - I look so refreshed in this pic. Every wrinkle has been removed and the black circles under my eyes are gone. I'm not really feeling myself today, so filter use today is needed.

 

 So it's been a minute since I talked about myself and how I am doing.

 

It's a mixed bag really.

 

I go and talk with my therapist every two weeks. When I see her, I always like to start my sessions with the good stuff before I start inundating her with my crap of life.

 

So what is good? 

 

I'm very happy that I am not recovering from my heel surgery anymore. I have been getting all sorts of reminders on my social media apps about what I was doing this time last year. I was lying around in pain - that is what I was doing last year. I am on my feet this year - huzzah! The heel is feeling really good. It was a TOUGH recovery, but it was worth it to be on my feet again.

 

So what is not so good? 

 

Being so sedentary for so long due to the surgery (and limping for a year before I even got the surgery) plus learning I have Hashimoto's Disease plus being in perimenopause, my body is still struggling. Hard core fatigue is one of my main issues, but I have a plethora of other personal physical and mental things going on as well - which makes me a fun gal.

 

 I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know I sound like a broken record, but that is my life right now. Chronic illness is no joke. Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disease - basically my body is attacking itself. And, I feel like I am under attack. But, I am so blessed to have an understanding husband who realizes that I have to get my sh!t together before I can tackle other things in life. He supports me in more ways than one and I am so thankful for that. I am privileged and I know it. I don't take that for granted. I have to slowly get my health back somehow - or at least learn to manage it better. At least I have some answers now. But when you are a foodie like I am, that makes things very difficult - but I am trying.

 

 I have been in a hardcore functional freeze lately. High anxiety, body trying to fall apart, the country falling apart - I find myself unable to do more than the basic necessities in life. I get through my normal chores of the day, maybe visit with a friend or two, and then I am spent. Physically and mentally. 

 

 It is awful really.

 

 Sitting in waiting rooms at doctor's offices has become a career. Visiting my therapists (PT and mental) is becoming so common place. I hate it. I want my life from 15 years ago back. I would say the last 10 years have been really tough.

 

And what is going on politically in this country and with this administration is truly beyond any comprehension. I wake up every day to another disgusting headline - like a daily gut punch to the stomach. Why anyone wanted this kind of chaos and hatred on a daily basis is beyond me. I have no regrets about being informed and stating my opinions about what is going on in this country, but I have to admit that trying to keep up with it is really wearing on my mental health. I am at a crossroads of staying informed yet not losing my mind at the same time. I am afraid to stop expressing my disdain and overflowing anger for what is going on because I don't want anyone to ever think I have accepted it or ever will accept what is going on - because I NEVER will. I will never bow down to a fasc!st and a criminal. I'm afraid that if I go silent, my silence will project complacency - which is not (and never will be) the case. I need a break though. A big one because it is all affecting me so deeply.

 

But this blog...

 

This blog has been my therapy for many, many years. It gives me a voice when I don't feel I have one. It allows me to share my joys and sorrows and how much I love my kid. Sadly, I don't have the audience that I used to have here. Back in the hay day, I had SO many views. Now that the China adoption bloggy world doesn't really exist anymore, and the fact that I know I've lost some readers due to my staunch political views, it is hard to know if I should keep going. I cannot imagine not sharing my life anymore. Maybe I should shift my blogging elsewhere eventually because this blog isn't fully focused on Briana anymore. I sometimes wonder who is really reading anything I have to say anymore.

 

I'm still sad that sites like FB, Instagr@m and TikT!k have taken away the art of blogging. I would still love to read more than just snippets and quick shots of people's lives. But it seems like most people (almost everyone) would prefer to present their lives that way now. I mean don't get me wrong, I do it too. But this blog provides a bit of a deeper explanation of those snippets I post. 

 

Before I started blogging (which I was introduced to by two friends who no longer blog - LOL!), I was a scrapbooker - before scrapbooking was even a trendy "thing." I have been a person who has chronicled my life since I was in high school (circa 1991). I am not sure why. I love looking back at my life I guess - the good and the bad. I have countless scrapbooks, printed blog books, photo albums, portfolios of Briana's art, Shutterfly books and more. I have even created albums for Briana who wanted to keep important memories but never had the discipline to do it.

 

And of course, I have 2,859 blog posts here documenting my life and my kid's life. 

 

 My life has been documented to a fault.

 

I have always loved that I have so many of my memories organized and easily accessible. I do it for me (because I love looking back on memories), but I also did it for the kids and grandkids that I planned on having one day. And I love sharing my life here on my blog.

 

Now, I only have one (amazing) child due to circumstances beyond my control. I have only two nephews. I don't know if Briana will even want children one day - which is totally ok. But then what happens? I now wonder when I am gone, will Briana even want all of this stuff. Or her "potential" kids. It is a lot of memories. She is a sentimental person, but I don't know how much she will care about holding on to everything.

 

 I am not an important person (except to my friends and family). I am not a public figure in which some sort of museum will put my life and its contents on display one day. I am not a president, I am not a political figure, I am not a military hero, I am not a dictator, I am not royalty, I am not a celebrity, I am not a scientist, I am not an author/poet, I am not a serial killer, I am not an inventor, I am not a teacher, I am not a surgeon, I am not an astronaut, I am not a chef, I am not a CEO. I am just an middle aged woman with chronic illness who lives in a suburb with her husband (and her cat) who raised a great kid (I will pat myself on the back a little for the kid part). There are over 8 billion people on this planet and I am just (a very ordinary) one of them. I wonder if all the work that I put into all of this documenting will just be thrown in the garbage one day. It probably will. Because honestly, who really cares about little ole me when all is said and done. 

 

Gosh this all sounds so dismal. And I don't even know where I am going with all of this. Maybe I am having an existential crisis.

 

 Anyway, that is how I am doing. I am sadly surviving more than thriving at the moment. But, I guess I am improving slightly? Trying anyway. 

 

Briana will be back home for the holidays on November 14th and doesn't have to return to school until the new year. So that will be really nice. It gives me something to really look forward to. And maybe I will take pictures of all the scrapbooks and photos books and portfolios that I have tucked away to show you all just how much of my life is documented. 

 

I will blog all about Halloween soon - it's my favorite time/holiday of the year!