My Conflicted Emotions About My Birthday

 I took a filtered selfie of myself on my birthday because I wasn't feeling myself at all that day and I needed a bit of a confidence boost.

 

I really want to blog all about my NYC trip, but first, I want to talk about my birthday.  

 

I turned 53 on June 19th. I have never had issues with a birthday, but 53 hit me in a different kind of way for some reason. I thought I would struggle turning 50, but I didn't at all. 53 - crazy.

 

 Let me start by saying I have wonderful friends and family. I had so many people making me feel special in the days leading up to my birthday, on the actual day and afterward as well. My struggle was internal and centered around how I have been viewing myself lately.

 

 In the days leading up to my birthday, I had get togethers with some of my closest gal pals...

 

On my birthday, I received so many cards, texts and FB messages. Doug and Briana spoiled me with gifts and a lovely meal at Largos (and Doug took me to a sushi lunch)...

 

 

 

Briana crocheted me an eyeglasses holder (she amazes me) and Doug bought me the Lazy Panda Skullpanda I had been wanting...

 

The day after my birthday, I had another small celebration with my parents and my sister...

 

Despite all the outside attention and birthday wishes that I was receiving, I felt quite weepy on my actual birthday. Doug and Briana both had to work that day, so I found myself with a bunch of downtime - which was wanted, but it allowed me to be all up in my head that day at the same time. Yes, there were tears.

 

When Doug and Bri took pictures of me at home with my cake and opening gifts, I was not happy with the pictures - at all. And I am not usually like that. I almost didn't post the one of me holding up my cake.

 

Lately, I have been feeling older (physically). My hair texture has changed, my body seems achier and puffier and my eyes have bags and circles under them even though I do wear eye masks quite often. I rely on my distance glasses a lot now. I think the last two years between the surgery recovery, my chronic illness and honestly, the current political environment has contributed to it - and I was feeling a bit down on June 19th. And you add in all the twists, curves and turns of life that I have experienced in my 53 years - I feel like a big mess. 

 

At the same time, my mind still feels young (though I know I have the knowledge and experiences of a 53 year old woman). My body and my mind aren't matching very well at the moment.

 

And I know I should just be happy to be here on this earth (I lost one of my best friends shockingly and suddenly at the age of 51, so I know how fragile life is). I know I should be just happy with the fact that I have a loving husband and daughter. I still have both of my parents with me. I know how lucky that is. 

 

But...

 

 I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't recognize who I am anymore. I am not sure where this girl went...

 

(My cat Alex is in this picture - who I miss very much. And there is a typewriter on the table because I was obviously typing up a paper. I am pretty sure this is 1991 - the year I graduated. That is how old I am - gah!)

 I am not sure where I am going with this post really. I just feel a bit off right now. I know I want to make some changes in my life, but the exhaustion of chronic illness makes that a bit difficult for me. I have to figure this out.

 

 I will say that my trip to NYC was phenomenal. I was actually able to walk the streets pretty easily because my heel surgery was a success. I am so grateful for that. I am so proud of myself for doing as much as I did there. And I really enjoyed myself. So that is a step in the right direction. I just know I have a long way to go still - but I'm not getting any younger. I think going to NYC and seeing so many people on Broadway (especially the young ones) living such exciting lives made it a bit harder for me to come home and slip back into my every day, quiet life. And my recuperation from such a fantastical, fast-paced trip is taking a bit longer than I would like.

 

So I have to often remind myself that it is ok to feel conflicting emotions at the same time. It isn't black and white. I can feel grateful for the full life I have but also feel kind of sad that I am getting older and not feeling like the young girl I once was. I can be grateful for the blessings I have received but also feel like life has gut-punched me a few too many times. I can thoroughly enjoy the comfortable, quiet life I live but also wish it could be a bit more exciting at times too. I need to remind, remind, remind.

 

 So cheers to 53 years and all that goes along with it.