Cheers To 29 Years

Happy 29th Wedding Anniversary to the love of my life!

 

 

And...Doug and I had our wedding and reception recorded by a videographer and put on videotape (we are so old now!) At the beginning of the video, I had the videographer create a collage from pictures I gave him of me and Doug growing up at the same time (in different places obviously). And then I had him put together a collage of photos of us together (the six years were were together before we got married). I always wanted to share this but never got around to cropping this section out of my wedding video until now. So, here it is! Our picture collages set to music. This is from 1997 - so the quality isn't the best. Enjoy!
 

All About April

The azaleas above are located in my mom's front yard - aren't they pretty? I have a love/hate relationship with spring. I love the pretty flowers/trees, but I hate all the horrible pollen and allergies they bring.

 

Spring brought a bird, her nest and her three eggs/babies to my front porch. I watched her for several weeks in preparation and the babies flew away last weekend...

  

I enjoyed watching them through the window, but I was worried about disturbing them at the same time. So, I am glad they are gone now. Now I can clean off my front porch and sit out there without feeling like I am going to interrupt nature's process.

 April was a bit of a stressful month. My mom had to get cataract surgery for both eyes (the surgeries were one week apart) and then she had a number of follow up appointments with her doctor. So, I had to assist/help during that time... 

And I am still navigating my own health issues - which I will write about in a future post. So, I had a few appointments in April for myself as well.

Easter fell at the beginning of April. My house was decorated - of course...

Since Briana wasn't able to come home that weekend, Doug and I went to see her. I made a brunch reservation at one of our favorite restaurants - Cooks And Soldiers...

The food was amazing as always. I am still trying to be a gluten-free as possible. But, the bikinis (grilled cheese) there are too good to pass up. I did have a triangle. No regrets...

 

Then we stopped at a bakery that is close to SCAD that Bri loves to visit and it was really good as well...

 

I did get a gluten-free cheesecake and it was yummy.

 

 Briana visited home two other weekends during April. I think she is starting to get that itch of being ready to be home for a few months straight. Most of her friends at other colleges are wrapping up school now and should be home very soon. Bri unfortunately won't be done until May 29th.

 

One weekend, I was home for her visit. But this past weekend, I had plans that took me away from home for a couple of days, so Briana had some nice daughter/dad time with Doug (and kitty time with Mei Mei)...

 

I will write a separate school update on Briana very soon.
 

I received back blankets from the t-shirts that I prepared and sent off to Project Repat for both me and Briana that we had collected from our time in school. I had shirts from Bri's elementary, middle and high school. And my shirts were from middle school, high school, college and my early employment years (mine are a LOT older)...

 

My blanket... 

 

Bri's blanket...

I am really happy with how they turned out.

 

 I mentioned earlier that I was away for a couple of days last weekend. My sister hosted a girls weekend (for her belated birthday) in Adairsville at a beautiful resort tucked away in the woods (it was so much fun)...

 

And, Doug and I visited the downtown area of Adairsville right before I went on the girls weekend trip - and that was really enjoyable as well...

 

 I will write all about the beautiful resort and the town of Adairsville in my next post.

 

And those were the main highlights of my April. Just one more month and then Briana will be home for a bit. I am excited to have her home for an extended time! 

Lack Of Self-Awareness And Inability To Apologize And Take Accountability

I am struggling once again.

 

For some reason when I am frustrated and struggling, I feel the need to write. I am good with expressing my thoughts with written words. Words come to me easily. I know with a lot of people, words can fail them. Me - not so much.

 

I'm going to be vague in this post - so I apologize for that in advance. Hopefully, you will get the gist of my ranting without me giving super personalized or specific examples.

 

I am not a perfect person. I have made lots of mistakes in my life - and for the most part, I own up to them (like I said I am not a perfect person). But, there are way too many people who I am connected to in some way or just simply aware of who have zero self-awareness and/or lack the ability to take any sort of accountability for their actions.

 

 I am so tired of deflection, redirection and/or people not being able to see their faults in certain situations. People make excuses for things when they shouldn't. And apologies mean very little when you don't try to make amends for what you have done or learn from your mistakes.

 

I observed a situation recently where someone reached out to someone else and apologized for their actions (nothing criminal or horrible - just some poor behavior). They explained in detail why those actions had occurred and promised to try to work on fixing those actions. Then, the person on the receiving end of that (who made mistakes themself) took absolutely NO accountability for their own actions, twisted the narrative, acted like the only injured party and then basically shot that apology down. It is what it is. But - the LACK of accountability of that so called "injured party" is astounding. And I don't believe that this person needed to react in this kind of way. Believe me, they are not a victim. Yet, they constantly complain about how they are treated by almost everyone around them. I personally think it is a cry for attention. And this is the kind of crap I am sick of. I feel like this is the world we live in now.

 

I also had a frustrating encounter the other day. I explained it on FB...

 

"I am just over it. Just OVER it. Earlier today, I was trying to make a u-turn to go into a drugstore at a green light - on a green arrow (there is no other way to get into this store from the way I was coming unless you u-turn). The traffic turning right to the left of me had not only had the red light but a yield sign. One lady in a car blew through it ignoring me trying to turn. A black SUV behind her saw me but just followed her and he blew through it too. I started to holler in my car at him like "what are you doing?" And he starts saying something too. As he goes by, on the side of the car - "COUNTY POLICE." He was an f-ing COP. Not even joking. I had the right of way - NOT HIM. Of course he kept driving because what is he going to do? Turn around and yell at me for being in the right? I swear - I feel like any form of authority nowadays feels they have the right to do WHATEVER they freaking want. I am still shaking and angry right now."

 

 The cop was SO in the wrong and was acting like he wasn't. You're telling me he doesn't know the rules of the road? And if he doesn't, why is he a freaking cop? No accountability. I'm telling you.

 

Moving on...in our current political environment, it seems as if many eyes are starting to open. Even though so many of us screamed at the top of our lungs for YEARS trying so desperately to keep what is happening from happening. People just made excuse and excuse after excuse for why they voted for a horrible person. The dementia hasn't changed the orange one - it just magnifies how horrifying he already is. People chose to deeply inhale extreme right wing propaganda and misinformation instead. We live in a country where too many people think only about themselves and/or think only about "certain kinds" of people they believe to be worthy to be concerned about. Look at us now. 

 

There are many people out there saying they will never forgive the people who did this to our country because they are so angry. I am torn about it. Yes, I am angry too. SO angry right now. But I do think if someone owns up to their mistakes and apologizes for their missteps and truly works on learning from those mistakes, I will absolutely give them a second chance. Unless an action is completely unforgivable like any kind of abuse, pathological lying, certain crimes, etc, I will try to forgive.   

 

 I have given apologies. I have had people apologize to me - and I greatly appreciated it. Apologizing is brave. It is the start of taking accountability. Learning from the mistake and changing the behavior, that is the finish to the accountability.

 

I just want people to own their actions. Look around and pay attention to how they are moving around in this world and treating others. Yes, life can be cruel and it can throw things at you that you can't control. I'm not talking about the stuff you can't control. I am talking about what you can control. There are many circumstances in life where you are in control in the driver's seat and you make a wrong turn, drive too fast or refuse to drive at all. Freaking own that, accept it and stop refusing to take responsibility.

 

 From Google...

 

"Improving self-awareness involves a combination of introspection, mindfulness and seeking external feedback. Key strategies include journaling, meditating, asking trusted friends for honest feedback, identifying personal triggers, and asking "what" rather than "why" during reflection. Regularly identifying strengths, weaknesses, and emotional responses helps increase."

 

 "Taking accountability involves owning your actions, mistakes and impacts without blaming others or making excuses. It requires sincere apologies, correcting errors, and changing future behavior. Key steps include recognizing your role, expressing remorse, and actively repairing the damage."

 

Why are these two things SO hard for people? WHY? 

I honestly feel I am overly self-aware and that is something I am working on. But when I am unfortunately leaning into my hyper self-awareness, I find it extra frustrating when I come across people who seem to lack it.

So I guess this is just a venting post. I have been coming across this way too much lately and it is just driving me crazy.

 

All About March

I'm finally getting a moment to blog about our March.

It was another month for me full of doctor and therapy appointments. Still trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with my stomach...

I will do another post all about the testing I have gone through and the things I have found out (not much) - as well as my continuing journey with food. 

Mei Mei had to get a teeth cleaning a couple of teeth removed. I hate when she has to go under anesthesia - she is always extremely wired and whacked out for about 24 hours after she gets back home...

Then the pain meds I have to give her make her groggy. I'm always happy when we get a few days past it and she starts to act like herself again.

Here she is watching a video of birds in a birdbath when she started feeling better...

The bright spot in the month of March was Briana coming home for the week for her spring break. She definitely need to come home and decompress from the hectic college life.

She was so happy to see her kitty again...

When Briana got home, she really wanted to eat at her favorite Korean BBQ place. So we made an evening of it...

We stopped first at "Hobbytown USA" - it is all things hobby, collectible, geek, nerd, kid-like - you name it...

I decided to buy a cute little Asian cat blind box...

Then we feasted on Korean BBQ and sushi...

It never disappoints!

Then Briana spent a day with her friend Meredith - who was at the end of her spring break. It was lucky their breaks crossed!

We celebrated St. Patrick's Day while Briana was home...

I put corned beef in a crockpot that day. Full disclosure, it did not turn out good. The piece of corned beef was so incredibly fatty - even after cooking all day. The potatoes and cabbage were good, but the beef not so much. I was disappointed.

Bri got her hair cut and colored that morning. Her hair was getting so long. She wanted to go back to her darker hair (which I love), and she looked so cute...

I asked Briana if she wanted to go anywhere while she was home, and she said she wanted to visit Ellijay. So off we went on a Friday.

We first went into the town and visited our favorite antique shop. Then we stopped in a gluten-free bakery and a fudge shop...

And then we went to our favorite BBQ place in Ellijay. The new owners still aren't taking care of Pig Hill - which makes me really sad. I'm not sure why they just don't take it down. But the food is still really good...

Then we stopped at our favorite market...

Since Briana can't make it home for Easter this year, I asked if she still wanted me to decorate the house, receive an Easter basket and dye Easter eggs. She was on board for it all! So we did everything early...

Briana enjoyed her week at home and it was a bit sad to send her back to school.

But, I do have a brag about B for a minute. She and her friend S started up a crochet club at school. They had to get permission, find professors to sponsor, attend leadership meetings, drum up interest, etc. I think it will be a big success!

Doug and I did have a nice evening out with some friends toward the end of March - I had my first glass of wine in many, many months...

So that was our March for the most part. Like I said, other than Briana coming home to visit, my March mainly consisted of appointments - which made it difficult to get together with friends. I intend to make that up in April.

Next post, I'll give you another health update.

How I Am Feeling

 I will post an update soon about how my health is going and also do an update about our March (including Briana coming home for spring break).

I just don't feel like blogging right now. I don't feel like doing a lot of things right now. I feel like I am going through the motions of life.

 I have moments of happiness, but my overall mental state is on the depressive side. Between my health and the state of the country, how could I not be?

   This video above reflects exactly how I am feeling. No one and I mean NO ONE should be feeling like everything that is going on is good or normal. So many people I know are silent, so I don't even know their thoughts on anything. So if you don't care about the chaos that is going on or think this is all ok, disconnect from me right now. I mean it. 

  I do worry that I am starting to develop a feeling of anhedonia (the inability to experience joy or pleasure. You may feel numb or less interested in things that you once enjoyed). I don't think I have full blown anhedonia, but I do realize that some things I once enjoyed, I just don't now. It could be due to aging, my chronic illness, the state of the country or a little bit of everything.

 This is what I stated on FB...

  "Oh my gosh – she hits the nail in the head. This is EXACTLY how I’m feeling and so many others - it’s how everyone should be feeling. If you’re not, then something is wrong. Nothing about what is going on in this country right now is normal or sane. We should not be living in this sort of chaotic hellscape every single day. It is damaging mental health. Doing normal things like going out to meals or going on vacations or just enjoying regular life – it seems/feels inappropriate somehow and/or wrong. Because doing all of these things during a war and authoritarian takeover isn’t right. You know? Every day, I am infuriated and fearful. Scared that this administration is so beyond incompetent and also scared that there are people out there that are in supportive of it and/or putting their head in the sand about it."

 So watch the video. I often say the exact same things she says. I am trying to keep my head above water, but it is really difficult sometimes.

 Be back soon. When I feel the urge to share. 

An Update On Briana

My lovely girl is home for spring break this week and I couldn't be happier. 

I realize that I haven't done a Briana-focused update in many months.

 

I don't want to overshare anything regarding Bri's life - because it is her life. But, I just want you all to know she is doing great. Really great. If you remember, she had some rough patches freshman year due to an unruly roommate, but this year, things are SO much better. She has great roommates, a tight group of really good college friends and her classes have been going very well.

 

You can see how much fun she has been having...

 

She loves working out at the SCAD gym. She indoor rock climbs at a nearby climbing gym. She went ice skating, sang karaoke, enjoys game nights and has had numerous dinner dates with her friends. She also is spearheading a crochet club at school with one of her close friends (it will start spring quarter). 

I always hoped that she would find her people when she went to college. She has.

 

 She still sends me and Doug numerous "proof of life" selfies...

 

And she also sends us lots of food pics (she is so much like her mom!)...

She has been making some incredible art...

And even though she lives a fun life at school, she still misses home, her parents and her kitty cat. 

She sends me sweet reels like this...

She often brings tears to my eyes. 

It is difficult being a person with chronic illness because I cannot always hide the fact that I am not feeling well. I do my best, but sometimes I just can't pretend. I have pushed through so many things so many times trying to be the best mom I can be to Bri. Receiving gestures like this makes me realize that she sees how hard I try and knows that I would do anything for her. I can't ask for anything more.

So, I am going to enjoy her being home this week - and I will miss her terribly when she goes back to school. I can't believe we are just a couple of months away from her completing her sophomore year.