Loss, Struggle And Grief

For some reason, I just felt the need to write.

I've experienced quite a bit of loss and struggle over the course of my lifetime ~ the loss of my grandparents and other relatives, the sudden loss of Doug's oldest brother, the sudden loss of one of my best friends, the loss of my two babies (miscarriages), my struggle with infertility, the loss of my former self after I moved as a teenager, the loss of friendships/relationships over the years, the struggles with my health (physically and mentally), trying to help Bri cope with the loss of her biological family, etc.

All of this loss and struggle has led to some pretty intense grieving (and anxiety) for me.

Since this pandemic hit, I am realizing just how many more things I am grieving now...

~ My pre-pandemic life - the life where I didn't have to worry about catching an easily spread, severely damaging, possibly deadly virus each and every day. I miss freely going to restaurants and stores and museums. I miss going on trips. I miss hanging out with my girlfriends in person. It is difficult going everywhere with a mask and it's difficult staying home so much.

~ The last third of my daughter's 8th grade year and the end of her middle school adventure. I'm grieving all the things she missed and should have been able to experience.

~ A true 2020 summer break experience. I have always tried to do summer up right for Bri - lots play dates, sleepovers, shopping, swim dates, vacations, fireworks, camps, berry picking, etc. And though I tried this year as best as I could to have a little fun, it was very difficult to make this summer break even close to as exciting as past summers.

~ My daughter having a "normal" first year of high school. B being home will be really strange, but even if I sent her to school, it still wouldn't be normal. There is nothing "normal" about living through a dangerous pandemic. This virus is quite scary, damaging and spreads like wildfire. #itsnotliketheflu #covidis10timesmorelethalthantheflu

~ The loss of a (somewhat) unified America. America is so unbelievably divided about so many things. And there are definitely two strongly opposing factions when it comes to Covid. Those who want to understand and conquer this virus and those who still believe it's not a big deal. We are at war with one another instead of being at war against a horrible virus - which is what should have happened from the beginning. 4 million cases in the US. Over 144K dead in the US. Almost 5000 new cases in Georgia just yesterday. It's horrifying. So many of those hospitalizations and deaths could have been prevented. What else is it going to take to get people to believe in this pandemic? How many people have to be hospitalized and die? Too many people still don't want to wear masks, social distance and continue to accuse others of "fear mongering."

~ The severe damage to and possible loss of relationships due to extreme opposing views on Covid19, politics, race relations and more. The respect I had for some people is now lost due to harsh things that have been said directly and/or posted online that can't be taken back. Not sure how/if that respect can return. Only time will tell.

~ The loss of empathy. So many people just don't seem to care about hurting other people's feelings anymore. If you say something directly or post something knowing that it could possibly upset someone or hurt feelings, but you still feel totally justified in doing so or saying so, I feel that is a huge problem.

~ The loss of critical thinking skills. Where is rational thought? It seems to have all disappeared. Everything nowadays seems to be fueled by pure emotion or gut reaction. Too many people are simply feeding off of manipulated radical left wing or radical right wing propaganda (which backs up their current belief system) and that manipulated info is then regurgitated back out into the world. No real fact checking or cross-checking is involved. And people are so easily sucked in by unfounded conspiracy theories too. Please stop blindly accepting political spin and untruths. Do some research. Data and science and medical expertise (from real medical professionals) are the main things we should be focusing on right now. It is something that I really try to do (though I don't always succeed).

~ The loss of common sense. Every single decision that is made right now by every single person regarding this virus ends up affecting society as a whole - from mask use to social distancing to attending schools. How people don't understand that concept is just baffling to me. The whole "you just do you boo" thing doesn't apply here at all. No matter how "normal" you want things to be, they can't be. The world can't be "normal" again until this virus is under control. And everyone should have some sense of nervousness about this virus by now. If you don't, you are sadly misinformed.

~ My hope for the year 2020. I really hoped for things to improve in 2020 because the last few years have been a bit of a struggle for me. That hope sadly died back in March.

I truly wish that I was a half glass full person. I wish I could spread happiness, positivity and love all over the place, but it's just not how I am wired. Much less during a pandemic. Deep down, I am a pessimist and I just have to embrace it. Maybe I should call myself a realist instead. I'm not saying that I don't try to look for hope or optimism in life, but it isn't my "go to" for sure.

I'm just really sad and super tired right now...

This is me. Experiencing all of the above.

Thanks for reading all this if you made it to the end. I'm sure some of you are grieving a lot of these same exact things right now too. I always feel better when I write things down and express myself - so here you go.