Happy Birthday To Me (Today I'm 50)

Well.

I am 50 years old today. 

Gosh I have so many feelings about turning 50.

First, I think feel a bit stunned. I mean - I can't believe I'm 50. I do feel more mature and experienced than I did when I was in my 20's and 30's. At the same time, I don't really feel 50 mentally. I mentally feel younger than that. I definitely feel 50 physically. Maybe even older than 50. Heh. It's all really strange.

 

Secondly, I feel kind of melancholy. I know that I have less time in front of me than I have behind me. I feel a bit sad that my youth is gone. I was definitely more carefree in my younger days. I am in that time of life where parents are aging and kids are growing up. My generation is sandwiched in between a lot of overwhelming stuff right now and it's tough.

 

But finally, I feel happy and blessed. I made it to a half century. So many people sadly don't make to 50. How and why was I able to make it to 50 when many others didn't get that chance? I am not sure. And it isn't really fair. But I'm still here and I'm still kicking and I am trying to embrace that. 

 

Here is a little story - I had a friend named Liene. Many years ago, she and I had met up for a play date for Bri and her son. She and I had met through the China adoption community. I believe at this play date she was still waiting to adopt her daughter (which she eventually did). Her son was adopted domestically. As the kids played, she started telling me how she was born with a congenital heart defect.

 

We were both in our mid thirties at the time. She said that it bothered her when people complained about getting older. She said she just felt blessed to be alive because according to a number of doctors that she seen throughout her life, she wasn't supposed to make it that far. She felt blessed by every extra day she had been given. She moved away several years after that play date and we mainly kept in touch via Facebook after that. Sadly, she did pass away four years ago. 

 

I wish I had told her how much of an impact her words had on me. Believe me, there are those days I complain and I don't feel my best. I struggle with anxiety. There are definitely those days that I curse getting older. It is human nature I guess. But then I sometimes catch myself, think about what she said, and then I try to get my act together. I will always be grateful to her for sharing her perspective. I think it is quite appropriate to pass on that conversation on my 50th birthday.

So this is me at 50...

I've been through A LOT in my 50 years and I'm a little worse for wear, but overall, I don't think I am doing too badly. I had a friend tell me today that turning 50 is a super power. I really love that and I'm ready to test that out.

So, happy birthday to me! Hoping 50 is going to be an amazing year!