Well, I turned 51 in June.
50 was kind of a sh*tshow for me, so I am hoping 51 will be better. So far, it's not too horrible, but it's not great either.
A number of my chronic health issues of 50 have obviously spilled over into 51. Good times.
My heel still hurts. I was praying it would be healed by now. I changed to a new podiatrist a couple months ago because my old podiatrist kept telling me to do the same things over and over with no new results or complete healing. My new podiatrist finally ordered an MRI of my heel, and I found out I do indeed have a tear. It's most likely due to the Haglund's deformity rubbing on my tendon and not necessarily due to the trip up that I had last September. No real proof either way, but he really thinks it is rubbing that keeps the tear from healing. He recommends surgery at this point since I have tried everything else to no avail. I have the surgery decision meeting with him on August 1st - I am definitely leaning toward doing it.
I told him I couldn't get surgery until after I get Bri situated at college in early September (which he was fine with). The surgery would have a very tough recovery. I would have a cast on my foot and no weight-bearing for 6 to 8 weeks and then I would wear a boot after that. My bedroom is upstairs in my house and I may have to live solely downstairs (in the guest bedroom) for that time of no weight-bearing. I can't imagine not being able to not walk or go upstairs for that long. It will be rough. But, I am still limping now and that is no way to live. So, my kid will move out and then I will be stuck in the downstairs of my house - not able to move very well. Sigh.
Some good news is that the endoscopy I finally got in May (I switched to a new GI doctor as well) showed some inflammation in my stomach (no doubt due to the meloxicam I had been taking), but that is it. No ulcer; nothing bad. Since I have been taking a nice dose of Nexium, my stomach is feeling so much better now. And the arthritis in my knees hasn't flared up again and that is good. My knees still get kind of stiff, but I haven't had a horrible swelling attack in many months.
My ear still blocks up now and again on my right side due to my vagus nerve issue. It is frustrating but manageable. I still have to rinse my tonsils to keep stones away (still get one once in a while), so my mouth hygiene routine is intense and kind of exhausting. It's still better than getting a tonsillectomy.
My
hormones suck right now, but that is part of being a 51 year old woman I
guess. I am going to get some blood work soon to see where I am in my
hormonal journey. It is even more fun going through peri-menopause when
my body never freaking worked correctly in the first place.
Sadly, I have a number of other issues and ailments that I'm dealing with as well, but I'm not going to list my entire medical file in this post.
Anxiety and depression are still pretty rampant in my life. I have a lot health anxiety due to my chronic health issues (past and present) and I'm having a hard time managing it. Add in my kid leaving for college soon and the things we need to do to prepare. Also add in the political climate and the state of the world, which scares the crap out of me. I am in therapy (have been for years), but it isn't really working well enough anymore (I love my therapist though - she is wonderful). I just need to figure out if I need some extra help.
I must admit - 51 is an age that I have focused on for about 9 years now. My friend Carole was 51 when she passed suddenly, so that number has been stuck in my brain for a very long time. And now I am 51. I sit here thinking about how I am not ready to go anywhere yet, and I know she wasn't either. I am still traumatized by what happened to her, and I am sad and tired of missing her terribly - she should still be alive here on this earth.
I sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not enjoying life as much as I should. I have had happy and blessed moments lately - seeing Briana get accepted to college and graduate, spending time with my family and friends, going to some really fun places - but I feel off (worried, stressed, sad) 90 to 95 percent of the time. I definitely want to find something to fill my time and keep myself busy and useful when Bri heads off to school, but my anxiety (and now a possible upcoming surgery) hinders that for me. My brain feels kind of broken, and I do believe I am experiencing functional freeze and have been for a while.
I was talking to my therapist the other day about having chronic illness. I said to her "I have to carry the weight of being 'chronic' every single day. People on the outside of my life often don’t see the 'chronic.' They see the lazy, the introverted, the antisocial. I am truly sick, but people don't see or understand that."
It's difficult. My heart wants to do so much, but my brain and body don't want to cooperate.
Hmmm, I feel like I have totally overshared again. But as you all know, I like being open, honest and forthcoming (to a point) on this blog - it is who I am. Maybe it will help someone who feels a lot like I do. I post a lot of smiles and happy times, but that doesn't tell the whole story. These kinds of posts fill in those gaps.
I want to be a happier person (I used to be a very happy person and want to get that back). I want to be a more productive person. I want to be a more outgoing person. I want to be a more motivated person. I want to be a less anxious, worried and scared person. I want to be a more confident person. I want to be a healthier person. I want to be a better person. I'd like to say I want to be a more optimistic person, but I feel more comfortable being a realistic person (though I do unfortunately tend to dip into pessimism territory at times).
I wish I had a more uplifting update. All I can do is keep going, keep pushing myself and keep looking for answers. My therapist tells me I am resilient. I believe I used to be. I've had to bounce back many times in my 51 years, but I just don't know how much more bounce I have left in me. Only time will tell.
I do want to say in closing that I am grateful I have made it to 51. Not everyone makes it this far in life. I met the love of my life as a young woman and I have had the privilege of raising the most amazing daughter - these are the two biggest successes of my life. Now that Bri is starting a new stage of her life, I hope that I will find a new, important purpose to add to my titles of wife and mother.
So that's the update. Thanks for continuing to read my posts.
